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The Best of Intentions

8/19/2015

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Zach the Rat

The word floating through my mind today is intention.  Our pet rat Zach died yesterday.  Zach was a Christmas present from my sister to one of our kiddos 2 ½ years ago.  (And yes, dear sister who just had her first baby,  we are already planning ahead for the pet gifts we get to bestow upon you in the years to come!)
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Zach creates a Ratatouille moment by serenading us on Valentine's Day.
We knew the time was coming, but it’s never fun to lose a pet.  I’ll admit, he was really stinky so I was not too terribly sad this time.  Heartless I know.

The events of yesterday remind me of a time a few years ago.  Let me tell you about Ninja the hamster. 

I rarely had to think about Ninja.  He lived in my 9 year old son’s room and was dutifully fed and cared for without fail.  During a particularly hectic week, I was told that Ninja had one bowl of food left, and was asked to pick up a new bag at the store.  I had been to the store several times throughout the week and each time intended to get the food, but each time I forgot. 
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Zach with our Golden. Odd friends for sure.
I’d remember as I walked in the door, checked on Ninja and made sure he still had food.  He did, and I promised to get it next time.  This pattern carried on until Saturday night.  Finally, I ran back to the store at 11:30 p.m. to get the food.  All was well. Ninja had been running on his wheel and the kids had played with him during the evening.

Unfortunately, I got distracted.  Instead of feeding Ninja, I put the food on the counter and went to bed. 

The next morning, my son went to feed Ninja but came running back downstairs with tears in his eyes and Ninja in his hands.  “We were one day too late, Mom. Ninja died and it was my fault.” 

Immediately, I said, “What!?  I know he had some food left.  I had been checking each day.” 

“No, Mom he didn’t have any food.” 

To which I replied, “I am sure he had some.  I kept checking.”  The evidence of the dead hamster wasn’t enough for me.  We ran up to the bedroom to check the food bowl and sure enough it was empty.  It must have been empty for days.  I’d made a mistake. 

We were crushed.  We sat and cried together, and my little guy said, “It’s all my fault.  I have gotten so busy this week that I didn’t notice he was so hungry.  I forgot to take care of him and now he’s dead.  I just want a second chance.  I will do so much better.”  My son was willing to accept the responsibility.


I felt terrible.  It wasn’t his mistake, but mine.  In this moment, my greatest intentions were not enough.  I had the food that could have saved the hamster, but I didn’t follow through.  My heart was full of goodness.  I wanted him to be ok, but I did not do my part. 

Am I doing my part in our family?  It’s a good question to ask.  I don’t mean are you running around crazy trying to do everything.  My guess is that you are, just like I was that week.  But stop for just a minute and consider your foundational relationships.  Are they getting the attention they deserve?

I do my best, but sometimes if it’s hard or inconvenient, I let things slide and excuse myself; promising that tomorrow will be the day.  There comes a time though when I have to take action.

Like my son, “I just wanted a second chance.”   That chance comes when I choose to accept responsibility and create change.  When I choose to stay present and feel gratitude in each small moment—even the really hard ones.

I am strong enough.  I can ask for help when I need it.  I can’t always do it on my own, but I don’t have to. You don’t have to either.  I’m here cheering you on.  Others are cheering you on too.  What do you feel to act on today?  What change needs to enter your life?  What will bring you closer to the people you love?

Choose one thing today.
 
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Look for the Good Stuff

8/12/2015

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It’s official—kids are back in school today.  It’s time for a fresh start and the chance to learn and grow.  We had mixed emotions leaving the house today.  Two super excited kiddos, one nervous but quiet kiddo, and one anxious and grumpy kiddo.  As for me, I can hardly believe another summer is over.  I miss my people when they go to school! 

Our send off wasn’t quite as picturesque as I had hoped for, but everyone made it on time to their classes. I’m trying to take a moment and enjoy the quiet and calm house, but really I feel frustrated and want a do-over for the 10 minutes before we all parted ways this morning.  I don't even have pictures to share!

Sometimes my brain gets caught up in the idea that my role as a parent is defined by these milestone markers: the first day of school, the birthday celebration, the band concert, the track meet, the piano recital, family vacation, Christmas, and other holiday celebrations.  You know the times we are "supposed" to look great and make something great happen.

It's really a sneaky lie.  The truth
is that a series of small moments strung together define our relationships.  Not one single moment, and it's a good thing!  Have you stopped to consider the good things that have happened in your family recently?  I’m not talking about grand vacations, perfect school send-offs, glowing report cards, or invitations to join athletic teams.  I’m talking about the simple good moments where our hearts align and true connection happens.  Rarely, are they scheduled.  They just happen.  These moments are so simple and unexpected, that if I’m not paying attention, I’ll miss them.  Worse yet, I'll chase them off!
  • Everyone crowding on the bed laughing and talking about first kisses.
  • Laughing at dinner and a child sharing, “Seriously, guys, we are funny.  Not every family gets to laugh like this!”  (Okay, part of the victory was even making dinner!)
  • Offering to polish toes for the first day of school and letting it morph into a full mani-pedi session; way past bedtime!
  • The chatter of an excited child as they approach the first day of school.
  • Doing nothing, but sitting on the couch and doing it together.
Each of these moments began with me caught up in my own thoughts and ideas of what needed to be happening.  It was mid-way through when I caught myself and realized, “This is good stuff.  Soak it in for a minute.  Don’t fight it.  Let go of control for just a minute.”  I was given an invitation, "Be with us.  Open your heart, set aside everything else, and be with us."  The moment was happening with or without me.  It was my choice to embrace it and soak it in or squelch it and demand obedience.

Yes, schedules need to be kept and boundaries need to be honored, but we can’t forget to open our eyes and catch the good stuff.  These simple moments connect our hearts and strengthen the foundation for all other family interactions.  These are the moments that fill my soul.  They remind me that one mediocre first day of school send-off does not define me as a mother.  They give me strength to keep going when things get tough.  Capture moments that fill your soul.  Collect 3 or 4 of times, however small, when you felt connection.  Write them down and save them for when life gets tough.  Remember, being with our families is a gift.  You are a gift to them.


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The Fight Against Pornography

8/5/2015

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Do you know what the new drug is, and are you teaching your kids to fight it?

Pornography.  It’s everywhere and it’s accessible.  Even to our very young children.  Your children have likely experienced some degree of pornography. 

Remember, a child’s brain doesn’t process and rationalize information the same as an adult brain so yes, to a 7-year-old thinker, that Victoria Secret window or cosmetic counter banner is a form of pornography.  We call it GP (gateway porn) at our house because those “soft” images dull the senses and act as a gateway for later exposure.  Thank you, Kristen Jenson and PornProofKids for that suggestion!

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Each of my own children was exposed to some form of pornography by the age of 6; one while walking down the street in Las Vegas, one at a friend’s house, one by a neighbor friend in our front yard, and one here at our house as we were looking for printable coloring pages.  And yes, we are careful, have passwords, and are fairly vigilant in our efforts, but it is no longer something that I can control.  There are too many opportunities for exposure. 

It is such a part of our children’s world that I feel pretty darn confident saying that if you have a 10 year old who tells you they haven’t encountered some form of pornography, they’re embarrassed and aren’t being completely honest about it. It’s a hard conversation for a child to initiate. Even when the parent takes the lead, some kids talk more openly than others.

One of the trickiest elements about pornography is that it preys upon the innocent. And so many emotions are experienced after its viewing: surprise, embarrassment, hesitancy, curiosity, excitement, intrigue, shame and the pull to return.  It’s tricky.  It’s deceptive.  It destroys families.
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So what do we do?  Our job is to bring it out in the open. Remove the shame.  It is going to happen so we need to shine light on the reality and difficulty of it.  We need to teach our kids how to respond and prepare them for what they might feel.  I might not be able to control whether or not they encounter harmful images, but I can prepare them for when it happens and help develop their internal filter. 

Maybe they won’t feel super excited to come tell us, but they need to know they aren’t in trouble, they aren’t bad, and that we can help.  When we invest the time and heart to build solid relationships, we increase the odds of fighting this together.

Where do we start?  A great resource I have relied on is Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jenson, MA and Gail A. Poyner, PhD.  Whether you have no idea where to start or feel like you’ve got this covered, it is worth having.  Why? Because it

·      defines pornography using language comfortable for children,

·      teaches about addiction and its impact on the brain, and

·      lays out a 5 step “CAN DO Plan ™” that’s easy for kids to remember and follow. 

Good Pictures Bad Pictures can be read cover to cover or act as a guide for you to construct your own conversations.

Additionally, PornProofKids.com has a wealth of information about how to start that first conversation with your kids as well as a series of posts coaching parents on how to create a S.M.A.R.T. plan so that you can respond to their exposure to porn in a way that creates a safe environment. 

I love getting their newsletters because it reminds my brain to check in and keep the conversations going.  The days of a one-time sex talk are long gone!

It's awful to hear that your child has been exposed to pornography.  Each time, I feel sick to my stomach and feel worried, but I don't want my kids figuring this out on their own.  When we bring conversations about pornography into the open, we are arming our children and disarming the porn industry!  Take time today to educate yourself so you can begin the conversation and join in the fight against pornography.  You will be so glad you did.

Resources for you to check out
www.pornproofkids.com
www.pornharms.com
www.enough.org
www.fightthenewdrug.org
www.educateempowerkids.com
www.endexploitationmovement.com

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    I am a wife and mother who loves to connect with my family.  It takes consistent effort and doesn't come easily.  As a Parent and Family Life Coach, I get to experience the joy of other families as we work to strengthen their daily connections.

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