How many times do you reach the end of the day and wish you had a second chance to go back and re-do the not so great parts?  Only to find at the end of the next day, you are feeling the same frustrated feelings!  Identifying where I fall short is no problem.  It’s climbing out of this rut that’s the hard part.  That’s why over the years, our family has spent a lot of time practicing the Art of the Re-Do. 

The second I realize I don’t like what’s happening, I have to stop it!  I mean literally and physically freeze myself and ask for a “Re-Do.”  Then, everyone goes back to where they were just moments before and we start over.  It gives my brain, and more importantly my heart, a moment to kick in and consider how I really want to proceed.  Younger children are much more forgiving in this area, but most of the older kids I get to ask would love to see their parents try again.

A while back, my 10 y.o. chose to tackle some melted crayon art project we saw on Pinterest.  We gathered a few supplies, talked through a few quick instructions, and he got started.   Before too long, I was off in another direction and he carried on hot gluing crayons onto the poster board.  Soon I heard the blow dryer in the background and thought, “Check him out.  He figured out a way to hang the poster and he is going to town.  Love that independent spirit!”

I was excited to see how the project was coming and unsuspectingly walked out in the backyard.  I found the poster board pinned to the stucco on either side of the kitchen window.  On the ground just beneath the poster was the couch cushion from our outdoor furniture.  Standing on the cushion, with blow dryer in hand was my independent soul smiling and innocently spraying melted crayon wax everywhere.  It was on the stucco, window frame, blow dryer, and was steadily dripping down the poster board onto the couch cushion.  Now, I know you can’t see it, but WOW—it was a mess!  All those feeling of admiration and affection shifted to frustration and anger as I did what came most naturally.  I yelled, “Aaaaah!!  What do you think you are you doing!?” 

Remember—I knew what he was doing.   I had left him to figure out a plan….and he did.  It just wasn’t the tidy adult plan I had in my head.

The happiness and joy of the moment disappeared in an instant.  His eyes welled up with tears and all the confidence from a moment before was gone.   Stunned he stared up at me. 

Too mad to respond, I yelled, “I’m so angry right now I need a minute to cool off.  I’ll be back.”  As I entered the house, just before I slammed the door, I heard a tiny voice say, “I’m just doing my project.”

The rest of the family was gathered in the kitchen.  As I walked in, their faces confirmed what I already knew—my reaction was out of line. 

It wasn’t the frustration or emotion I felt that was the problem, but my reactivity to it.  I lost sight of my son.  All I could see in that moment was the mess—the huge mess!   These moments sneak up on us.  Fear takes over, we react with anger and hostility, then later feel regret and shame.   This is where the Re-Do comes in.  We have to lay down a new pattern in our brain.  It takes practice.

I gave myself a minute and turned back to go outside.  “Hey, bud.  I really messed that up.  Can I try again?”

With a nod to the affirmative and a few tears he said, “I don’t know why you are so mad at me.”   

Back inside I went.  This time I walked outside and in a very surprised and loud voice said, “WOW!  Look at that artwork!  Whoa, and crayon wax everywhere!”  Deep breath and softer, “Help me understand why the picture is here instead of on the fence and why the cushion is on the ground.”

Now to me, the situation was very clear, but to the 10 year-old brain, the perspective was a little different.

“Mom, the cord on the blow dryer didn’t reach very far.  The poster kept falling off the fence and crayons were breaking off so I just put the picture right here.  Then I couldn’t reach it very good because my arm was tired and the cushion made me just the right height….”   After a hug and some guidance, he came up with a plan to help clean up the mess.  We relocated the poster and he finished the project. 

Now almost 2 years later, I have gotten over the mess on the couch cushion and even smile when I see it.  The crayon has faded and is barely noticeable.  Together we keep learning and practicing.

Shifting from reacting with anger to responding with empathy is tough and requires consistent effort.   It doesn’t just happen.  So next time you lose your cool…practice a Re-Do.

The Art of the Re-Do sounds like this:
“I didn’t respond very well.  Can I have a re-do?”  Or  
“I made a mistake, can we do that over?"
“Aaah!  Stop!  Let’s re-do this and try again.”
“Stop -- everybody rewind!”  

Choose one.  Then, everyone literally goes back to where they were just moments before and starts over.
Yes, it feels awkward.  Yes, we might look silly.   No, my peeps aren’t always excited.  Yes, there might be some eye rolling.  AND, yes, it’s highly effective at creating a new pattern.

Where can you try again today?  Be bold and create a new pattern for yourself as you open the door for thinking, accountability, and connection.

Each summer our kids offer a neighborhood kids camp.  It’s a lot of work.  They plan daily activities and crafts, we shop together, prepare supplies, and then open the doors for a whole lot of summer chaos and fun.  My kids love it and look forward to it every year.  And, every year I get to learn the same lesson over and over again.

Despite my inner commitment to let our kids fully own the experience, it’s easy for me to step in.  I begin small by trying to control the chaos and mess, and I’m pretty good at it! But then, I start seeing more areas for improvement or efficiency so I start to help more.  Unfortunately, something else happens too.  I unwittingly send the message that despite their great efforts, they are not enough.  My kids step back,  the excitement in their eyes diminishes and suddenly I am dragging them along trying to get them to help more.  I end up exhausted, frustrated and wonder why I even agreed to this plan in the first place.

Then I remember, some years sooner than others, “Oh ya!  This is not my camp.  It’s Cox Kids Summer Camp—run by the Cox kids; not this Cox mom!  They have been taught, we’ve practiced, and they are ready for this.  So I slam on the brakes and regroup.  I shift to the role of advisor and support/safety crew.  I step back and get to watch the magic happen.  

The kids step into their leadership role and take ownership in the project again.  As they realize that someone better run the show, my pleas for help disappear and they are up and moving:  organizing, giving directions, interacting with their campers, finding creative solutions, leading games, and creating learning experiences for everyone.  Including me.  

I get to humbly experience my children in a new light as they grow more fully and become the wonderful beings they are.  Fun, full of life, messy, and creative kids with big hearts who love their campers!  And who get to practice cleaning up!  This hard work experience connects us.  I believe when we prepare our children and create opportunities for them to practice sharing ownership, we instill trust and promote growth.  It’s a beautiful connection to invite.   
 
What areas in your family need a little less you and a little more kids this week?  Pick one—just a small one.  Make sure it’s age appropriate!  Then, spend some time teaching, practicing, and getting ready to take a step back.  Bit by bit, the pieces will come together as you give the gift of becoming.

When our daughter was born, we had four kids under 6, and three of them were rowdy boys.  They were full of energy with a tad bit of crazy mixed in.  

When I think back, I do so with a lot of fondness and smile at the happy memories.  But like all stories, there’s the good and the not so good.  It was also a time of deep heartache and difficulty.  It was more than just rowdy little kids.  There were days I wondered how we would make it through.  Everyone was in tears, relationships were fractured, and I was lost as a mother.  It’s hard for me to go back and sit in that space. There’s a lot I would change.  But I can’t.  I can only move forward and trust that the path will become clear.  And it does.  Today, I can look back with gratitude because I know the struggles strengthened us and shaped who we became as family members.  

Unfortunately, we don’t always have that same vantage point, and it’s all too easy to let feelings of overwhelm and discouragement take over with negative thoughts running amok.  In these moments, I find courage in the stories of others who have traveled before me.  Their strength, resiliency, and choice to embrace life inspires me to take small steps forward. 

Research shows that the same is true for our children.  Family stories invite a greater sense of belonging.  They help create a narrative and identity from which our children can draw when life gets tough. That story they’ve heard a million times about Mom turning down Dad’s invitation to their first date…that’s what we’re talking about!  Quite simply, those stories connect our hearts and increase our odds of making it through hard times.

So I ask, “Who inspires you?”  “Where do you find strength?” 
 Capture their story and share it.  Share your own story.  It’s a story worth telling.

 

If you are in the full swing of summer and feel like you’re running out of ideas, ask the experts!  Our kids know what they like and what’s important to them.  So when making plans this summer, make sure and get their input.  It may sound obvious, but sometimes in the hustle I forget to ask.

When I do, I’m the only one invested and I hear things like, “How come you always get to decide?  Why do we have to do this?  Whose idea was THIS anyway?  Seriously?  Do we have to?  Why do you get to choose?  Why can’t we ever do what I want?”   That gets old real quick and I end up feeling unappreciated and frustrated.  Sound familiar?   


Another part of the problem is when my kids are bored, they don’t really like my ideas.  What!?  I have great ideas!  But, if I have a way to reference their hopes and dreams, they are much more likely to engage.  

That’s where the summer bucket list comes in handy.  

• Simply ask each member of the family what they’d like to do this summer.
• Record their responses.  This is a brainstorming session so all ideas get collected and recorded. 

 "All the ideas?" you ask.  Yes, all of them.  Even the trip to the moon or as one of my teens listed,base jumping--yikes!!  Write it down and get creative later.  Moments of connection come in the simple everyday stuff.  Instead of a trip to the moon, throw a sheet over the kitchen table, grab a pack of glow in the dark stars from the dollar store, and lay on pillow beneath the table to create constellations.  Help older kids collect large cardboard boxes for space tunnels or rocket ships.  Use the list from your teenager for conversations points and discover areas of interest.

We aren’t creating a list of absolutes and we don’t have to worry about how or if we can accomplish everything.  Our goal is to hear the voices of our children and allow them to bring shape to our family.  A helpful phrase may be, “We won’t get to do everything but I want to hear what you love and enjoy.”

Two years ago it was notebook paper folded into fourths.  Last year we used multi color post-it notes that ended up on a designated kitchen cupboard.  These are the leftovers from last year.  Yes, still on the cupboard!

This year I used this design from Kate Hadfield and added a few questions for each child to fill out.  These questions are specific to my big picture for the summer.  (Design with questions available to download below!) Things that made our list:  learning how to cook wings, take a rock climbing class, go swimming at night, go on a cool hike, and many more way out of my reach!  However you approach it, keep it simple and post it somewhere for inspiration and flexible accountability.

Maybe we can’t go to the beach or the moon, but we can create everyday moments of connection.  For those outlandish ideas that make it on the list try this, “Ya know, I’m not really up for base jumping, pretty much outside of my comfort zone.  How could we bring that same style of fun to our summer?  What do you think?”  I’m thinking rock climbing gym, a sky diving wind tunnel, or watching base jumping videos together.  Whatever it is, stop and ask!  

When we invite the voice of our children into the planning process, we give them the gift of connection and communicate that they are a valuable part of our family.  Everyone wants to be heard!

Download and enjoy your free Summer Bucket List worksheet!

 

Tip #1:  Electronic devices—bring ‘em!  This is a great time to let the kids zone out. 
-Get some fresh movies and apps for the road.
-Screen shot the route of travel and identify cities/monuments along the way.  (Easy to do on paper and let kids color the route.)
-Think extra battery or portable charger!

Tip #2:  Music.  Take out the earbuds and listen together.
-Have each person pick 10 songs and ask older kids to create a family playlist.
- Laurie Berkner has great silly songs with a more soothing sound to the adult ear.  “Gross Songs Kids Love to Sing” by Twin Sisters is fun and entertaining for kids up to 10.

Tip #3:  Audiobooks.  This is as close to magic as it gets in our family.  Start a few hours in.  It’s a great distraction as people tire of movies and electronic devices.  Try a free membership at  Audible.com or check to see if your library has a digital system that allows for free downloads. 

Tip #4:  Shopping at Gas Stations
A long stop at the gas station makes me crazy.  I hate it!  My family loves it.  Indluge.  $3 per kid at the gas station works wonders if you didn’t plan enough snacks or they just need a pick me up.  

Hint:  Plan an extra little bit for the magic question, “Can I have 25 more cents!?” 
or
Respond with, “How much do you have to spend?  Choose quickly.”

Tip #5:  Pack plenty of snacks and a small cooler.  Granola bars only taste good for so long.  A quick sandwich on the road can be a big boost; especially if you are in the middle of nowhere.  Hungry kids = grumpy kids.

Tip #6:  Create a small store.  Grab a tub and fill it with snack or dollar store finds.  Then as each hour or 65 miles passes, announce shopping time.  

 Tip #7:  Give gifts.  Wrap small games or treats to pass out on the hour.  Even my teenagers liked this. The items only hold their attention for a short while, but it’s nice to break it up device use and connect with one another if even for a few minutes.  Ideas we've enjoyed:  playdough pictionary with mini-playdough tubs, pictionary with dry erase markers on the windows (older kids), card games, favorite candy bar, a new CD or movie to watch together. (Hide a download on their device).

Tip #8:  Plan for motion sickness.  Have gallon Ziploc bags tucked into pockets just in case.  Cinnamon bears or peppermint essential oils on the wrist help with mild nausea.

Tip #9:  Conversational Games seem to last longer than independent activities and help keep the driver awake.   "Would you Rather?"  "A my name is Alice" and "The Ungame" are easy to adapt for a long car ride.  

Tip #10:  Hand over the camera and see what delights make it back to you...a string of selfies, blurred images of fingers and toes, 500 cow pictures..who knows!?  

Above all, have fun!  That’s what this is all about, right?  
Remember, there is no magic formula!  Roll with the punches and enjoy the ride!

 Preparing yourself for a great road trip involves an honest look at reality.  

 Consider this scenario.  Because of school schedules, we did try Magic Formula #2 (See Part 1) recently and it was awesome!  The older boys flew to Utah and then drove home with us.  As we approached the return drive, I heard our oldest make a comment to his younger brother about how he’d better not act like “that” on the drive home or else it would be miserable.  To which the younger sibling replied, “Hey, just so you know, we had a great drive up here without you in the car.  We just listened to music and sang.  It was awesome!”  In my mind the unstated was, “So don’t tell me I’m the problem.”  

I loved it!  Don’t we always want someone else to be the problem?  Reality check, we are travelling with children.  They are unpredictable, emotional, and full of energy.  We know this AND we are agreeing to strap them into the car and be cooped up for a lot of hours; pretty sure this was NOT their idea.  

Tip #1:  Do it your style.  There are a lot of ideas out there.  Pick a few that match your family personality and the needs of your children.  Each child in your family might have a different approach.  Don’t worry about being equal and do not try to do it all!  Too much stuff in the car can create a big mess.  One kiddo might like silly putty and another might love audiobooks.  Play to their strengths.

Tip #2:  Be flexible.  Some days we can hit the road and pound through the miles with little fanfare and few stops.  Other days, stops at the gas station and roadside distractions are what make the trip.

My peeps exploring an unexpected roadside stop in AZ

 If you are travelling with a group, invite one another to stop and go as needed along the way, knowing you will meet at the destination.  

Things don’t always go as planned so build extra time into your travel plans.  Part of the fun is the journey so allow for some wiggle room.  

Tip #3:  Help things go right and keep it positive.  If I only interact with my kids when commotion arises from the back seat, then bummer for everyone.  I don’t think I have ever made a threat that is effective for longer than 3 minutes in the car--trust me, I've tried them all.  They just don’t work and I sound like a big 'ol grump.

 Be mindful and notice what is going well before the chaos breaks out.  

 When things do get tense, acknowledge the emotional state of the child, and help them walk through it.   “I know, you are so sick of this car.  It’s hard to be so close to everyone. Do you need to punch this 
pillow….take some deep breaths…take a walk….can I sit between you guys…hold your hand…read you a story? “

Often children want our help.  We just don’t want to be bothered and are irritated that our bag of tricks isn’t working.  This is where the flexibility comes in again.  Sit with them in the yuck of the drive and don’t worry about giving in.  

I remember one day we pulled over for nameless unhappy family members and found ourselves in the parking lot of an ATV outlet, a pawn shop, and a nail salon next door.  Odd combination, but perfect!  The boys went one direction, the girls another.  Half an hour later we were ready to keep going.

Tip #4:  Tell your family story.  Everyone loves to hear stories about themselves.  Funny ones are the best to start with and capture everyone’s attention.  “Remember the time, you stuffed your comforter in the fridge and we found it at breakfast….”  

If your brain is like mine, it can’t always access these fun stories on the spot so flip through your photos before leaving and come ready with a few memories of each family member.   Share stories of extended family members too.  Just follow the natural momentum and exchange that will follow.  It also helps to remember that you love these people you are travelling with!

Tip #5:  Give yourself permission to take a break.  Get out of the car until the crazy stops.  Put in your earbuds and do some deep breathing or listen to some music.  Go to the bathroom and don’t come out for a few minutes.  (Tell your adult cohort so they don’t wonder!)  Create some space until you, and they, are ready to be nice again.  

Remember, there is no magic formula!  It is unlikely that your road trip will be flawless.  You should actually count on tired kids and parents, maybe a few tears, and at least one moment of melt down (not promising it will be the child that does the melting).  If we accept the rough spots as part of the experience, we can enjoy the ride and move from moment to the next and create connection.

Check back Monday for some practical ideas on preparing the stuff and keeping kids entertained!

With busy schedules, mounting societal pressures to perform, and an abundance of distractions, parenting can be a tough job.  Everyone, experienced or not, has an opinion on how children should be raised and quickly offer solutions.  We can easily become overwhelmed and lose confidence as we drown in a swirling pool of voices and expectations.  When this happens, we fail to nurture the greatest gift we have been given as parents; our heart.

One Friday morning, I found myself at the best garage sale ever.  Imagine, a 6-foot long table covered in assembled Lego sets for only $40!   As mother to one avid Lego builder, I bought the entire collection.  Christmas was approaching and I could imagine the excitement for this little guy!  Then, as I turned to leave, I saw a bookshelf and boxes full of books.  Not just random books but early teen adventure series; a sweet spot!

 My twelve-year-old, is a voracious reader and loves books just as much as I do.  In years past, our relationship has struggled.   During times when we couldn’t talk nicely to each other, books created a common ground and opened up a safe form of communication.   I would read what he was reading just so we could have something to talk about.   It was a sweet connection point and as I stood there, I kept wishing I had his input on which books should join our collection.

 As I headed home, I had the thought to go get him from school and take him to the garage sale.  I brushed it off, called it unnecessary, and laughed at the pile of 30 books I had already purchased.  He is at school, after all, and we have plenty of reading material.  I hid the books for Christmas and moved forward with the day, but the thought came again even clearer.  Who pulls their child out of school for a garage sale!?  Despite my efforts to dismiss the idea, it persisted.

Finally, I threw up my hands and followed my heart.  When I picked him up from school, he looked at me like I’d lost my mind and questioned, “You picked me up for a garage sale!?”  By now, my excitement was bubbling over and it didn’t take long for him to join in.  In no time we were both full of excitement as we sorted through the remaining books.   Finally, as we walked to the car he declared, “We just bought 25 books for $16.  That’s as much as one hardback book, Mom!  Best garage sale ever!”

I allowed myself to be in the moment with an open heart, free of judgment, and it was fabulous!  I feel such energy as I think about the joy we shared that day and the future connection these books and this experience will bring.

Parenting is a multi-faceted adventure.  Routine, structure, limits, boundaries, and natural consequences all play an important role in the healthy development of children.  Countless books and programs have been written to guide parents in these areas.  It is my belief, that equally important is the need to nurture and parent with heart. It is our powerful guide in this parenting journey.   My invitation is to allow yourself to listen to and trust your heart.

I don’t know of a parenting book or program that would suggest taking a child out of school to go to a garage sale; nor am I suggesting that.  It simply worked in this situation.  Each family and parent-child relationship is unique.  It could have been gifting a book after school, sharing a treat and talking about the next book on the list, or simply creating a few moments to relish in the strengths of this child.  Quite simply, there is not always a perfect set of steps to follow.  When we allow the heart to guide as we teach and love our children, we invite a quiet sense of calm and confidence.   It is that sense of confidence I invite you to claim.

It’s official—kids are back in school today.  It’s time for a fresh start and the chance to learn and grow.  We had mixed emotions leaving the house today.  Two super excited kiddos, one nervous but quiet kiddo, and one anxious and grumpy kiddo.  As for me, I can hardly believe another summer is over.  I miss my people when they go to school! 

Our send off wasn’t quite as picturesque as I had hoped, but at least everyone made it on time to their classes.  I’m trying to take a moment and enjoy the quiet and calm house, but really I feel frustrated and want a do-over for the 10 minutes before we all parted ways this morning.  I don't even have pictures to share! 

Sometimes my brain gets caught up in the idea that my role as a parent is defined by these milestone markers: the first day of school, the birthday celebration, the band concert, the track meet, the piano recital, family vacation, Christmas, and other holiday celebrations.  You know the times we are "supposed" to look great and make something great happen.

It's really a sneaky lie.  The truth is that a series of small moments strung together define our relationships.  Have you stopped to consider the good things that have happened in your family recently?  I’m not talking about grand vacations, perfect school send-offs, glowing report cards, or invitations to join athletic teams.  I’m talking about the simple good moments where our hearts align and true connection happens.  Rarely, are they scheduled.  They just happen.  These moments are so simple and unexpected, that if I’m not paying attention, I’ll miss them.  Worse yet, I'll chase them off!

• Everyone crowding on my bed late at night laughing and talking about first kisses.
• Laughing at dinner and a child sharing, “Seriously, guys, we are funny.  Not every family gets to laugh like this!”
• Offering to polish toes the night before school starts and having it morph into a full mani-pedi session; way past bedtime!
• The chatter of an excited child as they approach the first day of school.
• Sitting on the couch doing nothing but doing it together.
  

In each of these moments, I was caught up in my own thoughts and ideas of what needed to be happening.  It was mid-way through when I caught myself and realized, “This is good stuff.  Soak it in for a minute.  Don’t fight it.  Let go of control for just a minute.  Let yourself be with them.”

Yes, schedules need to be kept and boundaries need to be honored, but we can’t forget to open our eyes and catch the good stuff.  These simple moments connect our hearts and strengthen the foundation for all other family interactions.  These are the moments that fill my soul.  They remind me that one mediocre first day of school send-off does not define me as a mother.  They give me strength to keep going when things get tough.  So let's capture them.  Find a quiet moment and collect 3 or 4 moments, however small, where you felt connection.  Write them down and pull them out in those "other" moments where life gets tough.  Remember, you are enough.