How many times do you reach the end of the day and wish you had a second chance to go back and re-do the not so great parts?  Only to find at the end of the next day, you are feeling the same frustrated feelings!  Identifying where I fall short is no problem.  It’s climbing out of this rut that’s the hard part.  That’s why over the years, our family has spent a lot of time practicing the Art of the Re-Do. 

The second I realize I don’t like what’s happening, I have to stop it!  I mean literally and physically freeze myself and ask for a “Re-Do.”  Then, everyone goes back to where they were just moments before and we start over.  It gives my brain, and more importantly my heart, a moment to kick in and consider how I really want to proceed.  Younger children are much more forgiving in this area, but most of the older kids I get to ask would love to see their parents try again.

A while back, my 10 y.o. chose to tackle some melted crayon art project we saw on Pinterest.  We gathered a few supplies, talked through a few quick instructions, and he got started.   Before too long, I was off in another direction and he carried on hot gluing crayons onto the poster board.  Soon I heard the blow dryer in the background and thought, “Check him out.  He figured out a way to hang the poster and he is going to town.  Love that independent spirit!”

I was excited to see how the project was coming and unsuspectingly walked out in the backyard.  I found the poster board pinned to the stucco on either side of the kitchen window.  On the ground just beneath the poster was the couch cushion from our outdoor furniture.  Standing on the cushion, with blow dryer in hand was my independent soul smiling and innocently spraying melted crayon wax everywhere.  It was on the stucco, window frame, blow dryer, and was steadily dripping down the poster board onto the couch cushion.  Now, I know you can’t see it, but WOW—it was a mess!  All those feeling of admiration and affection shifted to frustration and anger as I did what came most naturally.  I yelled, “Aaaaah!!  What do you think you are you doing!?” 

Remember—I knew what he was doing.   I had left him to figure out a plan….and he did.  It just wasn’t the tidy adult plan I had in my head.

The happiness and joy of the moment disappeared in an instant.  His eyes welled up with tears and all the confidence from a moment before was gone.   Stunned he stared up at me. 

Too mad to respond, I yelled, “I’m so angry right now I need a minute to cool off.  I’ll be back.”  As I entered the house, just before I slammed the door, I heard a tiny voice say, “I’m just doing my project.”

The rest of the family was gathered in the kitchen.  As I walked in, their faces confirmed what I already knew—my reaction was out of line. 

It wasn’t the frustration or emotion I felt that was the problem, but my reactivity to it.  I lost sight of my son.  All I could see in that moment was the mess—the huge mess!   These moments sneak up on us.  Fear takes over, we react with anger and hostility, then later feel regret and shame.   This is where the Re-Do comes in.  We have to lay down a new pattern in our brain.  It takes practice.

I gave myself a minute and turned back to go outside.  “Hey, bud.  I really messed that up.  Can I try again?”

With a nod to the affirmative and a few tears he said, “I don’t know why you are so mad at me.”   

Back inside I went.  This time I walked outside and in a very surprised and loud voice said, “WOW!  Look at that artwork!  Whoa, and crayon wax everywhere!”  Deep breath and softer, “Help me understand why the picture is here instead of on the fence and why the cushion is on the ground.”

Now to me, the situation was very clear, but to the 10 year-old brain, the perspective was a little different.

“Mom, the cord on the blow dryer didn’t reach very far.  The poster kept falling off the fence and crayons were breaking off so I just put the picture right here.  Then I couldn’t reach it very good because my arm was tired and the cushion made me just the right height….”   After a hug and some guidance, he came up with a plan to help clean up the mess.  We relocated the poster and he finished the project. 

Now almost 2 years later, I have gotten over the mess on the couch cushion and even smile when I see it.  The crayon has faded and is barely noticeable.  Together we keep learning and practicing.

Shifting from reacting with anger to responding with empathy is tough and requires consistent effort.   It doesn’t just happen.  So next time you lose your cool…practice a Re-Do.

The Art of the Re-Do sounds like this:
“I didn’t respond very well.  Can I have a re-do?”  Or  
“I made a mistake, can we do that over?"
“Aaah!  Stop!  Let’s re-do this and try again.”
“Stop -- everybody rewind!”  

Choose one.  Then, everyone literally goes back to where they were just moments before and starts over.
Yes, it feels awkward.  Yes, we might look silly.   No, my peeps aren’t always excited.  Yes, there might be some eye rolling.  AND, yes, it’s highly effective at creating a new pattern.

Where can you try again today?  Be bold and create a new pattern for yourself as you open the door for thinking, accountability, and connection.

 

If you are in the full swing of summer and feel like you’re running out of ideas, ask the experts!  Our kids know what they like and what’s important to them.  So when making plans this summer, make sure and get their input.  It may sound obvious, but sometimes in the hustle I forget to ask.

When I do, I’m the only one invested and I hear things like, “How come you always get to decide?  Why do we have to do this?  Whose idea was THIS anyway?  Seriously?  Do we have to?  Why do you get to choose?  Why can’t we ever do what I want?”   That gets old real quick and I end up feeling unappreciated and frustrated.  Sound familiar?   


Another part of the problem is when my kids are bored, they don’t really like my ideas.  What!?  I have great ideas!  But, if I have a way to reference their hopes and dreams, they are much more likely to engage.  

That’s where the summer bucket list comes in handy.  

• Simply ask each member of the family what they’d like to do this summer.
• Record their responses.  This is a brainstorming session so all ideas get collected and recorded. 

 "All the ideas?" you ask.  Yes, all of them.  Even the trip to the moon or as one of my teens listed,base jumping--yikes!!  Write it down and get creative later.  Moments of connection come in the simple everyday stuff.  Instead of a trip to the moon, throw a sheet over the kitchen table, grab a pack of glow in the dark stars from the dollar store, and lay on pillow beneath the table to create constellations.  Help older kids collect large cardboard boxes for space tunnels or rocket ships.  Use the list from your teenager for conversations points and discover areas of interest.

We aren’t creating a list of absolutes and we don’t have to worry about how or if we can accomplish everything.  Our goal is to hear the voices of our children and allow them to bring shape to our family.  A helpful phrase may be, “We won’t get to do everything but I want to hear what you love and enjoy.”

Two years ago it was notebook paper folded into fourths.  Last year we used multi color post-it notes that ended up on a designated kitchen cupboard.  These are the leftovers from last year.  Yes, still on the cupboard!

This year I used this design from Kate Hadfield and added a few questions for each child to fill out.  These questions are specific to my big picture for the summer.  (Design with questions available to download below!) Things that made our list:  learning how to cook wings, take a rock climbing class, go swimming at night, go on a cool hike, and many more way out of my reach!  However you approach it, keep it simple and post it somewhere for inspiration and flexible accountability.

Maybe we can’t go to the beach or the moon, but we can create everyday moments of connection.  For those outlandish ideas that make it on the list try this, “Ya know, I’m not really up for base jumping, pretty much outside of my comfort zone.  How could we bring that same style of fun to our summer?  What do you think?”  I’m thinking rock climbing gym, a sky diving wind tunnel, or watching base jumping videos together.  Whatever it is, stop and ask!  

When we invite the voice of our children into the planning process, we give them the gift of connection and communicate that they are a valuable part of our family.  Everyone wants to be heard!

Download and enjoy your free Summer Bucket List worksheet!

 Preparing yourself for a great road trip involves an honest look at reality.  

 Consider this scenario.  Because of school schedules, we did try Magic Formula #2 (See Part 1) recently and it was awesome!  The older boys flew to Utah and then drove home with us.  As we approached the return drive, I heard our oldest make a comment to his younger brother about how he’d better not act like “that” on the drive home or else it would be miserable.  To which the younger sibling replied, “Hey, just so you know, we had a great drive up here without you in the car.  We just listened to music and sang.  It was awesome!”  In my mind the unstated was, “So don’t tell me I’m the problem.”  

I loved it!  Don’t we always want someone else to be the problem?  Reality check, we are travelling with children.  They are unpredictable, emotional, and full of energy.  We know this AND we are agreeing to strap them into the car and be cooped up for a lot of hours; pretty sure this was NOT their idea.  

Tip #1:  Do it your style.  There are a lot of ideas out there.  Pick a few that match your family personality and the needs of your children.  Each child in your family might have a different approach.  Don’t worry about being equal and do not try to do it all!  Too much stuff in the car can create a big mess.  One kiddo might like silly putty and another might love audiobooks.  Play to their strengths.

Tip #2:  Be flexible.  Some days we can hit the road and pound through the miles with little fanfare and few stops.  Other days, stops at the gas station and roadside distractions are what make the trip.

My peeps exploring an unexpected roadside stop in AZ

 If you are travelling with a group, invite one another to stop and go as needed along the way, knowing you will meet at the destination.  

Things don’t always go as planned so build extra time into your travel plans.  Part of the fun is the journey so allow for some wiggle room.  

Tip #3:  Help things go right and keep it positive.  If I only interact with my kids when commotion arises from the back seat, then bummer for everyone.  I don’t think I have ever made a threat that is effective for longer than 3 minutes in the car--trust me, I've tried them all.  They just don’t work and I sound like a big 'ol grump.

 Be mindful and notice what is going well before the chaos breaks out.  

 When things do get tense, acknowledge the emotional state of the child, and help them walk through it.   “I know, you are so sick of this car.  It’s hard to be so close to everyone. Do you need to punch this 
pillow….take some deep breaths…take a walk….can I sit between you guys…hold your hand…read you a story? “

Often children want our help.  We just don’t want to be bothered and are irritated that our bag of tricks isn’t working.  This is where the flexibility comes in again.  Sit with them in the yuck of the drive and don’t worry about giving in.  

I remember one day we pulled over for nameless unhappy family members and found ourselves in the parking lot of an ATV outlet, a pawn shop, and a nail salon next door.  Odd combination, but perfect!  The boys went one direction, the girls another.  Half an hour later we were ready to keep going.

Tip #4:  Tell your family story.  Everyone loves to hear stories about themselves.  Funny ones are the best to start with and capture everyone’s attention.  “Remember the time, you stuffed your comforter in the fridge and we found it at breakfast….”  

If your brain is like mine, it can’t always access these fun stories on the spot so flip through your photos before leaving and come ready with a few memories of each family member.   Share stories of extended family members too.  Just follow the natural momentum and exchange that will follow.  It also helps to remember that you love these people you are travelling with!

Tip #5:  Give yourself permission to take a break.  Get out of the car until the crazy stops.  Put in your earbuds and do some deep breathing or listen to some music.  Go to the bathroom and don’t come out for a few minutes.  (Tell your adult cohort so they don’t wonder!)  Create some space until you, and they, are ready to be nice again.  

Remember, there is no magic formula!  It is unlikely that your road trip will be flawless.  You should actually count on tired kids and parents, maybe a few tears, and at least one moment of melt down (not promising it will be the child that does the melting).  If we accept the rough spots as part of the experience, we can enjoy the ride and move from moment to the next and create connection.

Check back Monday for some practical ideas on preparing the stuff and keeping kids entertained!