The Art of the Re-Do: Keep on Trying

How many times do you reach the end of the day and wish you had a second chance to go back and re-do the not so great parts?  Only to find at the end of the next day, you are feeling the same frustrated feelings!  Identifying where I fall short is no problem.  It’s climbing out of this rut that’s the hard part.  That’s why over the years, our family has spent a lot of time practicing the Art of the Re-Do. 

The second I realize I don’t like what’s happening, I have to stop it!  I mean literally and physically freeze myself and ask for a “Re-Do.”  Then, everyone goes back to where they were just moments before and we start over.  It gives my brain, and more importantly my heart, a moment to kick in and consider how I really want to proceed.  Younger children are much more forgiving in this area, but most of the older kids I get to ask would love to see their parents try again.

Can you pick out these steps in the following story?

A while back, my 10 y.o. chose to tackle some melted crayon art project we saw on Pinterest.  We gathered a few supplies, talked through a few quick instructions, and he got started.   Before too long, I was off in another direction and he carried on hot gluing crayons onto the poster board.  Soon I heard the blow dryer in the background and thought, “Check him out.  He figured out a way to hang the poster and he is going to town.  Love that independent spirit!”

I was excited to see how the project was coming and unsuspectingly walked out in the backyard.  I found the poster board pinned to the stucco on either side of the kitchen window.  On the ground just beneath the poster was the couch cushion from our outdoor furniture.  Standing on the cushion, with blow dryer in hand was my independent soul smiling and innocently spraying melted crayon wax everywhere.  It was on the stucco, window frame, blow dryer, and was steadily dripping down the poster board onto the couch cushion.  Now, I know you can’t see it, but WOW—it was a mess!  All those feeling of admiration and affection shifted to frustration and anger as I did what came most naturally.  I yelled, “Aaaaah!!  What do you think you are you doing!?” 

Remember—I knew what he was doing.   I had left him to figure out a plan….and he did.  It just wasn’t the tidy adult plan I had in my head.

The happiness and joy of the moment disappeared in an instant.  His eyes welled up with tears and all the confidence from a moment before was gone.   Stunned he stared up at me. 

Too mad to respond, I yelled, “I’m so angry right now I need a minute to cool off.  I’ll be back.”  As I entered the house, just before I slammed the door, I heard a tiny voice say, “I’m just doing my project.”

Our inspiration! Check out this tutorial if you want to give it a try. Smile as you read her note about using a hair dryer. I wish I had read this earlier!

Our finished project--after the relocation!

The rest of the family was gathered in the kitchen.  As I walked in, their faces confirmed what I already knew—my reaction was out of line. 

It wasn’t the frustration or emotion I felt that was the problem, but my reactivity to it.  I lost sight of my son.  All I could see in that moment was the mess—the huge mess!   These moments sneak up on us.  Fear takes over, we react with anger and hostility, then later feel regret and shame.   This is where the Re-Do comes in.  We have to lay down a new pattern in our brain.  It takes practice.

I gave myself a minute and turned back to go outside.  “Hey, bud.  I really messed that up.  Can I try again?”

With a nod to the affirmative and a few tears he said, “I don’t know why you are so mad at me.”   

Back inside I went.  This time I walked outside and in a very surprised and loud voice said, “WOW!  Look at that artwork!  Whoa, and crayon wax everywhere!”  Deep breath and softer, “Help me understand why the picture is here instead of on the fence and why the cushion is on the ground.”

Now to me, the situation was very clear, but to the 10 year-old brain, the perspective was a little different.

“Mom, the cord on the blow dryer didn’t reach very far.  The poster kept falling off the fence and crayons were breaking off so I just put the picture right here.  Then I couldn’t reach it very good because my arm was tired and the cushion made me just the right height….”   After a hug and some guidance, he came up with a plan to help clean up the mess.  We relocated the poster and he finished the project. 

Now almost 2 years later, I have gotten over the mess on the couch cushion and even smile when I see it.  The crayon has faded and is barely noticeable.  Together we keep learning and practicing.

Shifting from reacting with anger to responding with empathy is tough and requires consistent effort.   It doesn’t just happen.  So next time you lose your cool…practice a Re-Do.

The Art of the Re-Do sounds like this:
“I didn’t respond very well.  Can I have a re-do?”  Or  
“I made a mistake, can we do that over?"
“Aaah!  Stop!  Let’s re-do this and try again.”
“Stop -- everybody rewind!”  

Choose one.  Then, everyone literally goes back to where they were just moments before and starts over.
Yes, it feels awkward.  Yes, we might look silly.   No, my peeps aren’t always excited.  Yes, there might be some eye rolling.  AND, yes, it’s highly effective at creating a new pattern.

Where can you try again today?  Be bold and create a new pattern for yourself as you open the door for thinking, accountability, and connection.