Shawn Achor's TED talk (watch below), "The Happiness Advantage", emphasizes that for most of us “…the formula is clear:  work harder, then you'll be successful, then you'll be happier.”  As I watched it, I couldn’t help but think about how it applies to our families.  If we can just work a little harder as a family, then we'll be happier.  It shows up in many ways.

“I’ll be happy when my kids don’t fight.”

“I’ll be happy when my house stays clean.”

“If we could just...then I wouldn't worry so much.”

“I can’t wait for summer (or for school to start again).  It will feel so good.”

The benchmarks for attaining happiness are ever changing.  When school does start again, it’s carpool, piano, sports, homework , and the list goes on.  But wait—wasn’t the start of school going to bring me happiness?  It’s not uncommon to look ahead hoping that happiness is just around the corner.

Unfortunately, the formula is broken.  There will always be a new challenge.  
“It's hard to find happiness after success if the goalposts of success keep changing.”  

So what do we do?
1. Stop equating a future success with happiness.

2. Second, realize that happiness is a work ethic.  You have to train your brain to be positive just like you work out your body.

That leads us to the 21-Day Challenge.   Call it an experiment.  I want to know if can we effectively increase the happiness and connection in a family by inviting the mind to recognize the positive first?

Pick one of the five researched habits listed below and try it out for 21 days.  Keep it simple and apply your efforts specifically to your family.  In a perfect world, it’s 21 days in a row to create a positive habit.   When our family started, we came out strong on the first day, but then promptly got busy and forgot the second day....and the third.  Sooo—we get 30 days; just in case.  Don’t quit because you miss a day.  

You can do this independently, choose one area of focus as a family and have scheduled check-ins, or invite each person to participate as they feel inclined. 

Our family decided that each person would pick their own with check-ins at the end of each week.  We asked our kids to pick an area different from their current activities.  For example, kids in sports should try something other than exercise.  In the end, not everyone chose to participate and that's ok.

Have fun, remain flexible, and let’s see what happens.  Then, take a moment to comment on this blog or send me an email to share your experiences. [email protected]

5 Researched Focus Areas
1. Write down three new things you are grateful for each day into a blank word document or into the free app I Journal. Research shows this will significantly improve your optimism even 6 months later, and raises your success rates significantly.

2.  Write for 2 minutes a day describing one positive experience you had over the past 24 hours. This is a strategy to help transform you from a task-based thinker, to a meaning based thinker who scans the world for meaning instead of endless to-dos. This dramatically increases work happiness.

3.  Exercise for 10 minutes a day. This trains your brain to believe your behavior matters, which causes a cascade of success throughout the rest of the day.

4.  Meditate for 2 minutes, focusing on your breath going in and out. This will help you undo the negative effects of multitasking. Research shows you get multiple tasks done faster if you do them one at a time. It also decreases stress and raises happiness.

5.  Write one, quick email first thing in the morning thanking or praising a member on your team. This significantly increases your feeling of social support, which in my study at Harvard was the largest predictor of happiness for the students.  (Children could write one kind note or draw a picture each day.)

Adapted from:  The Happiness Advantage

I can hardly believe Thanksgiving is almost here.  Are you feeling ready?  As the pace picks up and the pressure to get things done increases, we are trying to create moments of giving thanks.  After a fun Halloween season of "Booing" our neighbors with treats, we didn't want the fun to stop.  Our "You've Been Thanked" activity is a great way to increase children's awareness and increase the fun of thanking those who have made an impact in our lives.  I know it's late in the game, but if you're like me, you might be trying to pull it all together and create some meaning amidst the chaos .  Have some fun and give some thanks this week!

Click HERE for a free download of "You've Been Thanked."

Click HERE for a free download.

It’s official—kids are back in school today.  It’s time for a fresh start and the chance to learn and grow.  We had mixed emotions leaving the house today.  Two super excited kiddos, one nervous but quiet kiddo, and one anxious and grumpy kiddo.  As for me, I can hardly believe another summer is over.  I miss my people when they go to school! 

Our send off wasn’t quite as picturesque as I had hoped, but at least everyone made it on time to their classes.  I’m trying to take a moment and enjoy the quiet and calm house, but really I feel frustrated and want a do-over for the 10 minutes before we all parted ways this morning.  I don't even have pictures to share! 

Sometimes my brain gets caught up in the idea that my role as a parent is defined by these milestone markers: the first day of school, the birthday celebration, the band concert, the track meet, the piano recital, family vacation, Christmas, and other holiday celebrations.  You know the times we are "supposed" to look great and make something great happen.

It's really a sneaky lie.  The truth is that a series of small moments strung together define our relationships.  Have you stopped to consider the good things that have happened in your family recently?  I’m not talking about grand vacations, perfect school send-offs, glowing report cards, or invitations to join athletic teams.  I’m talking about the simple good moments where our hearts align and true connection happens.  Rarely, are they scheduled.  They just happen.  These moments are so simple and unexpected, that if I’m not paying attention, I’ll miss them.  Worse yet, I'll chase them off!

• Everyone crowding on my bed late at night laughing and talking about first kisses.
• Laughing at dinner and a child sharing, “Seriously, guys, we are funny.  Not every family gets to laugh like this!”
• Offering to polish toes the night before school starts and having it morph into a full mani-pedi session; way past bedtime!
• The chatter of an excited child as they approach the first day of school.
• Sitting on the couch doing nothing but doing it together.
  

In each of these moments, I was caught up in my own thoughts and ideas of what needed to be happening.  It was mid-way through when I caught myself and realized, “This is good stuff.  Soak it in for a minute.  Don’t fight it.  Let go of control for just a minute.  Let yourself be with them.”

Yes, schedules need to be kept and boundaries need to be honored, but we can’t forget to open our eyes and catch the good stuff.  These simple moments connect our hearts and strengthen the foundation for all other family interactions.  These are the moments that fill my soul.  They remind me that one mediocre first day of school send-off does not define me as a mother.  They give me strength to keep going when things get tough.  So let's capture them.  Find a quiet moment and collect 3 or 4 moments, however small, where you felt connection.  Write them down and pull them out in those "other" moments where life gets tough.  Remember, you are enough.