The word floating through my mind today is intention.  Our pet rat Zach died yesterday.  Zach was a Christmas present from my sister to one of our kiddos 2 ½ years ago.  (And yes, dear sister who just had her first baby,  we are already planning ahead for the pet gifts we get to bestow upon you in the years to come!)

We knew the time was coming, but it’s never fun to lose a pet.  I’ll admit, he was really stinky so I was not too terribly sad this time.  Heartless I know.

The events of yesterday remind me of a time a few years ago.  Let me tell you about Ninja the hamster. 

I rarely had to think about Ninja.  He lived in my 9 year old son’s room and was dutifully fed and cared for without fail.  During a particularly hectic week, I was told that Ninja had one bowl of food left, and was asked to pick up a new bag at the store.  I had been to the store several times throughout the week and each time intended to get the food, but each time I forgot. 

I’d remember as I walked in the door, checked on Ninja and made sure he still had food.  He did, and I promised to get it next time.  This pattern carried on until Saturday night.  Finally, I ran back to the store at 11:30 p.m. to get the food.  All was well. Ninja had been running on his wheel and the kids had played with him during the evening.

Unfortunately, I got distracted.  Instead of feeding Ninja, I put the food on the counter and went to bed. 

The next morning, my son went to feed Ninja but came running back downstairs with tears in his eyes and Ninja in his hands.  “We were one day too late, Mom. Ninja died and it was my fault.” 

Immediately, I said, “What!?  I know he had some food left.  I had been checking each day.” 

“No, Mom he didn’t have any food.” 

To which I replied, “I am sure he had some.  I kept checking.”  The evidence of the dead hamster wasn’t enough for me.  We ran up to the bedroom to check the food bowl and sure enough it was empty.  It must have been empty for days.  I’d made a mistake. 

We were crushed.  We sat and cried together, and my little guy said, “It’s all my fault.  I have gotten so busy this week that I didn’t notice he was so hungry.  I forgot to take care of him and now he’s dead.  I just want a second chance.  I will do so much better.”  My son was willing to accept the responsibility.

I felt terrible.  It wasn’t his mistake, but mine.  In this moment, my greatest intentions were not enough.  I had the food that could have saved the hamster, but I didn’t follow through.  My heart was full of goodness.  I wanted him to be ok, but I did not do my part. 

Am I doing my part in our family?  It’s a good question to ask.  I don’t mean are you running around crazy trying to do everything.  My guess is that you are, just like I was that week.  But stop for just a minute and consider your foundational relationships.  Are they getting the attention they deserve?

I do my best, but sometimes if it’s hard or inconvenient, I let things slide and excuse myself; promising that tomorrow will be the day.  There comes a time though when I have to take action.

Like my son, “I just wanted a second chance.”   That chance comes when I choose to accept responsibility and create change.  When I choose to stay present and feel gratitude in each small moment—even the really hard ones.

I am strong enough.  I can ask for help when I need it.  I can’t always do it on my own, but I don’t have to. You don’t have to either.  I’m here cheering you on.  Others are cheering you on too.  What do you feel to act on today?  What change needs to enter your life?  What will bring you closer to the people you love?

Choose one thing today.
 

Do you know what the new drug is, and are you teaching your kids to fight it?

Pornography.  It’s everywhere and it’s accessible.  Even to our very young children.  Your children have likely experienced some degree of pornography. 

Remember, a child’s brain doesn’t process and rationalize information the same as an adult brain so yes, to a 7-year-old thinker, that Victoria Secret window or cosmetic counter banner is a form of pornography.  We call it GP (gateway porn) at our house because those “soft” images dull the senses and act as a gateway for later exposure.  Thank you, Kristen Jenson and PornProofKids for that suggestion!

Each of my own children was exposed to some form of pornography by the age of 6; one while walking down the street in Las Vegas, one at a friend’s house, one by a neighbor friend in our front yard, and one here at our house as we were looking for printable coloring pages.  And yes, we are careful, have passwords, and are fairly vigilant in our efforts, but it is no longer something that I can control.  There are too many opportunities for exposure. 

It is such a part of our children’s world that I feel pretty darn confident saying that if you have a 10 year old who tells you they haven’t encountered some form of pornography, they’re embarrassed and aren’t being completely honest about it. It’s a hard conversation for a child to initiate. Even when the parent takes the lead, some kids talk more openly than others.

One of the trickiest elements about pornography is that it preys upon the innocent. And so many emotions are experienced after its viewing: surprise, embarrassment, hesitancy, curiosity, excitement, intrigue, shame and the pull to return.  It’s tricky.  It’s deceptive.  It destroys families.

So what do we do?  Our job is to bring it out in the open. Remove the shame.  It is going to happen so we need to shine light on the reality and difficulty of it.  We need to teach our kids how to respond and prepare them for what they might feel.  I might not be able to control whether or not they encounter harmful images, but I can prepare them for when it happens and help develop their internal filter. 

Maybe they won’t feel super excited to come tell us, but they need to know they aren’t in trouble, they aren’t bad, and that we can help.  When we invest the time and heart to build solid relationships, we increase the odds of fighting this together.

Where do we start?  A great resource I have relied on is Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jenson, MA and Gail A. Poyner, PhD.  Whether you have no idea where to start or feel like you’ve got this covered, it is worth having.  Why? Because it

·      defines pornography using language comfortable for children,

·      teaches about addiction and its impact on the brain, and

·      lays out a 5 step “CAN DO Plan ™” that’s easy for kids to remember and follow. 

Good Pictures Bad Pictures can be read cover to cover or act as a guide for you to construct your own conversations.

Additionally, PornProofKids.com has a wealth of information about how to start that first conversation with your kids as well as a series of posts coaching parents on how to create a S.M.A.R.T. plan so that you can respond to their exposure to porn in a way that creates a safe environment. 

I love getting their newsletters because it reminds my brain to check in and keep the conversations going.  The days of a one-time sex talk are long gone!

It's awful to hear that your child has been exposed to pornography.  Each time, I feel sick to my stomach and feel worried, but I don't want my kids figuring this out on their own.  When we bring conversations about pornography into the open, we are arming our children and disarming the porn industry!  Take time today to educate yourself so you can begin the conversation and join in the fight against pornography.  You will be so glad you did.

Resources for you to check out
www.pornproofkids.com
www.pornharms.com
www.enough.org
www.fightthenewdrug.org
www.educateempowerkids.com
www.endexploitationmovement.com

How many times do you reach the end of the day and wish you had a second chance to go back and re-do the not so great parts?  Only to find at the end of the next day, you are feeling the same frustrated feelings!  Identifying where I fall short is no problem.  It’s climbing out of this rut that’s the hard part.  That’s why over the years, our family has spent a lot of time practicing the Art of the Re-Do. 

The second I realize I don’t like what’s happening, I have to stop it!  I mean literally and physically freeze myself and ask for a “Re-Do.”  Then, everyone goes back to where they were just moments before and we start over.  It gives my brain, and more importantly my heart, a moment to kick in and consider how I really want to proceed.  Younger children are much more forgiving in this area, but most of the older kids I get to ask would love to see their parents try again.

A while back, my 10 y.o. chose to tackle some melted crayon art project we saw on Pinterest.  We gathered a few supplies, talked through a few quick instructions, and he got started.   Before too long, I was off in another direction and he carried on hot gluing crayons onto the poster board.  Soon I heard the blow dryer in the background and thought, “Check him out.  He figured out a way to hang the poster and he is going to town.  Love that independent spirit!”

I was excited to see how the project was coming and unsuspectingly walked out in the backyard.  I found the poster board pinned to the stucco on either side of the kitchen window.  On the ground just beneath the poster was the couch cushion from our outdoor furniture.  Standing on the cushion, with blow dryer in hand was my independent soul smiling and innocently spraying melted crayon wax everywhere.  It was on the stucco, window frame, blow dryer, and was steadily dripping down the poster board onto the couch cushion.  Now, I know you can’t see it, but WOW—it was a mess!  All those feeling of admiration and affection shifted to frustration and anger as I did what came most naturally.  I yelled, “Aaaaah!!  What do you think you are you doing!?” 

Remember—I knew what he was doing.   I had left him to figure out a plan….and he did.  It just wasn’t the tidy adult plan I had in my head.

The happiness and joy of the moment disappeared in an instant.  His eyes welled up with tears and all the confidence from a moment before was gone.   Stunned he stared up at me. 

Too mad to respond, I yelled, “I’m so angry right now I need a minute to cool off.  I’ll be back.”  As I entered the house, just before I slammed the door, I heard a tiny voice say, “I’m just doing my project.”

The rest of the family was gathered in the kitchen.  As I walked in, their faces confirmed what I already knew—my reaction was out of line. 

It wasn’t the frustration or emotion I felt that was the problem, but my reactivity to it.  I lost sight of my son.  All I could see in that moment was the mess—the huge mess!   These moments sneak up on us.  Fear takes over, we react with anger and hostility, then later feel regret and shame.   This is where the Re-Do comes in.  We have to lay down a new pattern in our brain.  It takes practice.

I gave myself a minute and turned back to go outside.  “Hey, bud.  I really messed that up.  Can I try again?”

With a nod to the affirmative and a few tears he said, “I don’t know why you are so mad at me.”   

Back inside I went.  This time I walked outside and in a very surprised and loud voice said, “WOW!  Look at that artwork!  Whoa, and crayon wax everywhere!”  Deep breath and softer, “Help me understand why the picture is here instead of on the fence and why the cushion is on the ground.”

Now to me, the situation was very clear, but to the 10 year-old brain, the perspective was a little different.

“Mom, the cord on the blow dryer didn’t reach very far.  The poster kept falling off the fence and crayons were breaking off so I just put the picture right here.  Then I couldn’t reach it very good because my arm was tired and the cushion made me just the right height….”   After a hug and some guidance, he came up with a plan to help clean up the mess.  We relocated the poster and he finished the project. 

Now almost 2 years later, I have gotten over the mess on the couch cushion and even smile when I see it.  The crayon has faded and is barely noticeable.  Together we keep learning and practicing.

Shifting from reacting with anger to responding with empathy is tough and requires consistent effort.   It doesn’t just happen.  So next time you lose your cool…practice a Re-Do.

The Art of the Re-Do sounds like this:
“I didn’t respond very well.  Can I have a re-do?”  Or  
“I made a mistake, can we do that over?"
“Aaah!  Stop!  Let’s re-do this and try again.”
“Stop -- everybody rewind!”  

Choose one.  Then, everyone literally goes back to where they were just moments before and starts over.
Yes, it feels awkward.  Yes, we might look silly.   No, my peeps aren’t always excited.  Yes, there might be some eye rolling.  AND, yes, it’s highly effective at creating a new pattern.

Where can you try again today?  Be bold and create a new pattern for yourself as you open the door for thinking, accountability, and connection.

 

If you are in the full swing of summer and feel like you’re running out of ideas, ask the experts!  Our kids know what they like and what’s important to them.  So when making plans this summer, make sure and get their input.  It may sound obvious, but sometimes in the hustle I forget to ask.

When I do, I’m the only one invested and I hear things like, “How come you always get to decide?  Why do we have to do this?  Whose idea was THIS anyway?  Seriously?  Do we have to?  Why do you get to choose?  Why can’t we ever do what I want?”   That gets old real quick and I end up feeling unappreciated and frustrated.  Sound familiar?   


Another part of the problem is when my kids are bored, they don’t really like my ideas.  What!?  I have great ideas!  But, if I have a way to reference their hopes and dreams, they are much more likely to engage.  

That’s where the summer bucket list comes in handy.  

• Simply ask each member of the family what they’d like to do this summer.
• Record their responses.  This is a brainstorming session so all ideas get collected and recorded. 

 "All the ideas?" you ask.  Yes, all of them.  Even the trip to the moon or as one of my teens listed,base jumping--yikes!!  Write it down and get creative later.  Moments of connection come in the simple everyday stuff.  Instead of a trip to the moon, throw a sheet over the kitchen table, grab a pack of glow in the dark stars from the dollar store, and lay on pillow beneath the table to create constellations.  Help older kids collect large cardboard boxes for space tunnels or rocket ships.  Use the list from your teenager for conversations points and discover areas of interest.

We aren’t creating a list of absolutes and we don’t have to worry about how or if we can accomplish everything.  Our goal is to hear the voices of our children and allow them to bring shape to our family.  A helpful phrase may be, “We won’t get to do everything but I want to hear what you love and enjoy.”

Two years ago it was notebook paper folded into fourths.  Last year we used multi color post-it notes that ended up on a designated kitchen cupboard.  These are the leftovers from last year.  Yes, still on the cupboard!

This year I used this design from Kate Hadfield and added a few questions for each child to fill out.  These questions are specific to my big picture for the summer.  (Design with questions available to download below!) Things that made our list:  learning how to cook wings, take a rock climbing class, go swimming at night, go on a cool hike, and many more way out of my reach!  However you approach it, keep it simple and post it somewhere for inspiration and flexible accountability.

Maybe we can’t go to the beach or the moon, but we can create everyday moments of connection.  For those outlandish ideas that make it on the list try this, “Ya know, I’m not really up for base jumping, pretty much outside of my comfort zone.  How could we bring that same style of fun to our summer?  What do you think?”  I’m thinking rock climbing gym, a sky diving wind tunnel, or watching base jumping videos together.  Whatever it is, stop and ask!  

When we invite the voice of our children into the planning process, we give them the gift of connection and communicate that they are a valuable part of our family.  Everyone wants to be heard!

Download and enjoy your free Summer Bucket List worksheet!

 Preparing yourself for a great road trip involves an honest look at reality.  

 Consider this scenario.  Because of school schedules, we did try Magic Formula #2 (See Part 1) recently and it was awesome!  The older boys flew to Utah and then drove home with us.  As we approached the return drive, I heard our oldest make a comment to his younger brother about how he’d better not act like “that” on the drive home or else it would be miserable.  To which the younger sibling replied, “Hey, just so you know, we had a great drive up here without you in the car.  We just listened to music and sang.  It was awesome!”  In my mind the unstated was, “So don’t tell me I’m the problem.”  

I loved it!  Don’t we always want someone else to be the problem?  Reality check, we are travelling with children.  They are unpredictable, emotional, and full of energy.  We know this AND we are agreeing to strap them into the car and be cooped up for a lot of hours; pretty sure this was NOT their idea.  

Tip #1:  Do it your style.  There are a lot of ideas out there.  Pick a few that match your family personality and the needs of your children.  Each child in your family might have a different approach.  Don’t worry about being equal and do not try to do it all!  Too much stuff in the car can create a big mess.  One kiddo might like silly putty and another might love audiobooks.  Play to their strengths.

Tip #2:  Be flexible.  Some days we can hit the road and pound through the miles with little fanfare and few stops.  Other days, stops at the gas station and roadside distractions are what make the trip.

My peeps exploring an unexpected roadside stop in AZ

 If you are travelling with a group, invite one another to stop and go as needed along the way, knowing you will meet at the destination.  

Things don’t always go as planned so build extra time into your travel plans.  Part of the fun is the journey so allow for some wiggle room.  

Tip #3:  Help things go right and keep it positive.  If I only interact with my kids when commotion arises from the back seat, then bummer for everyone.  I don’t think I have ever made a threat that is effective for longer than 3 minutes in the car--trust me, I've tried them all.  They just don’t work and I sound like a big 'ol grump.

 Be mindful and notice what is going well before the chaos breaks out.  

 When things do get tense, acknowledge the emotional state of the child, and help them walk through it.   “I know, you are so sick of this car.  It’s hard to be so close to everyone. Do you need to punch this 
pillow….take some deep breaths…take a walk….can I sit between you guys…hold your hand…read you a story? “

Often children want our help.  We just don’t want to be bothered and are irritated that our bag of tricks isn’t working.  This is where the flexibility comes in again.  Sit with them in the yuck of the drive and don’t worry about giving in.  

I remember one day we pulled over for nameless unhappy family members and found ourselves in the parking lot of an ATV outlet, a pawn shop, and a nail salon next door.  Odd combination, but perfect!  The boys went one direction, the girls another.  Half an hour later we were ready to keep going.

Tip #4:  Tell your family story.  Everyone loves to hear stories about themselves.  Funny ones are the best to start with and capture everyone’s attention.  “Remember the time, you stuffed your comforter in the fridge and we found it at breakfast….”  

If your brain is like mine, it can’t always access these fun stories on the spot so flip through your photos before leaving and come ready with a few memories of each family member.   Share stories of extended family members too.  Just follow the natural momentum and exchange that will follow.  It also helps to remember that you love these people you are travelling with!

Tip #5:  Give yourself permission to take a break.  Get out of the car until the crazy stops.  Put in your earbuds and do some deep breathing or listen to some music.  Go to the bathroom and don’t come out for a few minutes.  (Tell your adult cohort so they don’t wonder!)  Create some space until you, and they, are ready to be nice again.  

Remember, there is no magic formula!  It is unlikely that your road trip will be flawless.  You should actually count on tired kids and parents, maybe a few tears, and at least one moment of melt down (not promising it will be the child that does the melting).  If we accept the rough spots as part of the experience, we can enjoy the ride and move from moment to the next and create connection.

Check back Monday for some practical ideas on preparing the stuff and keeping kids entertained!

With busy schedules, mounting societal pressures to perform, and an abundance of distractions, parenting can be a tough job.  Everyone, experienced or not, has an opinion on how children should be raised and quickly offer solutions.  We can easily become overwhelmed and lose confidence as we drown in a swirling pool of voices and expectations.  When this happens, we fail to nurture the greatest gift we have been given as parents; our heart.

One Friday morning, I found myself at the best garage sale ever.  Imagine, a 6-foot long table covered in assembled Lego sets for only $40!   As mother to one avid Lego builder, I bought the entire collection.  Christmas was approaching and I could imagine the excitement for this little guy!  Then, as I turned to leave, I saw a bookshelf and boxes full of books.  Not just random books but early teen adventure series; a sweet spot!

 My twelve-year-old, is a voracious reader and loves books just as much as I do.  In years past, our relationship has struggled.   During times when we couldn’t talk nicely to each other, books created a common ground and opened up a safe form of communication.   I would read what he was reading just so we could have something to talk about.   It was a sweet connection point and as I stood there, I kept wishing I had his input on which books should join our collection.

 As I headed home, I had the thought to go get him from school and take him to the garage sale.  I brushed it off, called it unnecessary, and laughed at the pile of 30 books I had already purchased.  He is at school, after all, and we have plenty of reading material.  I hid the books for Christmas and moved forward with the day, but the thought came again even clearer.  Who pulls their child out of school for a garage sale!?  Despite my efforts to dismiss the idea, it persisted.

Finally, I threw up my hands and followed my heart.  When I picked him up from school, he looked at me like I’d lost my mind and questioned, “You picked me up for a garage sale!?”  By now, my excitement was bubbling over and it didn’t take long for him to join in.  In no time we were both full of excitement as we sorted through the remaining books.   Finally, as we walked to the car he declared, “We just bought 25 books for $16.  That’s as much as one hardback book, Mom!  Best garage sale ever!”

I allowed myself to be in the moment with an open heart, free of judgment, and it was fabulous!  I feel such energy as I think about the joy we shared that day and the future connection these books and this experience will bring.

Parenting is a multi-faceted adventure.  Routine, structure, limits, boundaries, and natural consequences all play an important role in the healthy development of children.  Countless books and programs have been written to guide parents in these areas.  It is my belief, that equally important is the need to nurture and parent with heart. It is our powerful guide in this parenting journey.   My invitation is to allow yourself to listen to and trust your heart.

I don’t know of a parenting book or program that would suggest taking a child out of school to go to a garage sale; nor am I suggesting that.  It simply worked in this situation.  Each family and parent-child relationship is unique.  It could have been gifting a book after school, sharing a treat and talking about the next book on the list, or simply creating a few moments to relish in the strengths of this child.  Quite simply, there is not always a perfect set of steps to follow.  When we allow the heart to guide as we teach and love our children, we invite a quiet sense of calm and confidence.   It is that sense of confidence I invite you to claim.