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The Best of Intentions

8/19/2015

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Zach the Rat

The word floating through my mind today is intention.  Our pet rat Zach died yesterday.  Zach was a Christmas present from my sister to one of our kiddos 2 ½ years ago.  (And yes, dear sister who just had her first baby,  we are already planning ahead for the pet gifts we get to bestow upon you in the years to come!)
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Zach creates a Ratatouille moment by serenading us on Valentine's Day.
We knew the time was coming, but it’s never fun to lose a pet.  I’ll admit, he was really stinky so I was not too terribly sad this time.  Heartless I know.

The events of yesterday remind me of a time a few years ago.  Let me tell you about Ninja the hamster. 

I rarely had to think about Ninja.  He lived in my 9 year old son’s room and was dutifully fed and cared for without fail.  During a particularly hectic week, I was told that Ninja had one bowl of food left, and was asked to pick up a new bag at the store.  I had been to the store several times throughout the week and each time intended to get the food, but each time I forgot. 
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Zach with our Golden. Odd friends for sure.
I’d remember as I walked in the door, checked on Ninja and made sure he still had food.  He did, and I promised to get it next time.  This pattern carried on until Saturday night.  Finally, I ran back to the store at 11:30 p.m. to get the food.  All was well. Ninja had been running on his wheel and the kids had played with him during the evening.

Unfortunately, I got distracted.  Instead of feeding Ninja, I put the food on the counter and went to bed. 

The next morning, my son went to feed Ninja but came running back downstairs with tears in his eyes and Ninja in his hands.  “We were one day too late, Mom. Ninja died and it was my fault.” 

Immediately, I said, “What!?  I know he had some food left.  I had been checking each day.” 

“No, Mom he didn’t have any food.” 

To which I replied, “I am sure he had some.  I kept checking.”  The evidence of the dead hamster wasn’t enough for me.  We ran up to the bedroom to check the food bowl and sure enough it was empty.  It must have been empty for days.  I’d made a mistake. 

We were crushed.  We sat and cried together, and my little guy said, “It’s all my fault.  I have gotten so busy this week that I didn’t notice he was so hungry.  I forgot to take care of him and now he’s dead.  I just want a second chance.  I will do so much better.”  My son was willing to accept the responsibility.


I felt terrible.  It wasn’t his mistake, but mine.  In this moment, my greatest intentions were not enough.  I had the food that could have saved the hamster, but I didn’t follow through.  My heart was full of goodness.  I wanted him to be ok, but I did not do my part. 

Am I doing my part in our family?  It’s a good question to ask.  I don’t mean are you running around crazy trying to do everything.  My guess is that you are, just like I was that week.  But stop for just a minute and consider your foundational relationships.  Are they getting the attention they deserve?

I do my best, but sometimes if it’s hard or inconvenient, I let things slide and excuse myself; promising that tomorrow will be the day.  There comes a time though when I have to take action.

Like my son, “I just wanted a second chance.”   That chance comes when I choose to accept responsibility and create change.  When I choose to stay present and feel gratitude in each small moment—even the really hard ones.

I am strong enough.  I can ask for help when I need it.  I can’t always do it on my own, but I don’t have to. You don’t have to either.  I’m here cheering you on.  Others are cheering you on too.  What do you feel to act on today?  What change needs to enter your life?  What will bring you closer to the people you love?

Choose one thing today.
 
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Look for the Good Stuff

8/12/2015

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It’s official—kids are back in school today.  It’s time for a fresh start and the chance to learn and grow.  We had mixed emotions leaving the house today.  Two super excited kiddos, one nervous but quiet kiddo, and one anxious and grumpy kiddo.  As for me, I can hardly believe another summer is over.  I miss my people when they go to school! 

Our send off wasn’t quite as picturesque as I had hoped for, but everyone made it on time to their classes. I’m trying to take a moment and enjoy the quiet and calm house, but really I feel frustrated and want a do-over for the 10 minutes before we all parted ways this morning.  I don't even have pictures to share!

Sometimes my brain gets caught up in the idea that my role as a parent is defined by these milestone markers: the first day of school, the birthday celebration, the band concert, the track meet, the piano recital, family vacation, Christmas, and other holiday celebrations.  You know the times we are "supposed" to look great and make something great happen.

It's really a sneaky lie.  The truth
is that a series of small moments strung together define our relationships.  Not one single moment, and it's a good thing!  Have you stopped to consider the good things that have happened in your family recently?  I’m not talking about grand vacations, perfect school send-offs, glowing report cards, or invitations to join athletic teams.  I’m talking about the simple good moments where our hearts align and true connection happens.  Rarely, are they scheduled.  They just happen.  These moments are so simple and unexpected, that if I’m not paying attention, I’ll miss them.  Worse yet, I'll chase them off!
  • Everyone crowding on the bed laughing and talking about first kisses.
  • Laughing at dinner and a child sharing, “Seriously, guys, we are funny.  Not every family gets to laugh like this!”  (Okay, part of the victory was even making dinner!)
  • Offering to polish toes for the first day of school and letting it morph into a full mani-pedi session; way past bedtime!
  • The chatter of an excited child as they approach the first day of school.
  • Doing nothing, but sitting on the couch and doing it together.
Each of these moments began with me caught up in my own thoughts and ideas of what needed to be happening.  It was mid-way through when I caught myself and realized, “This is good stuff.  Soak it in for a minute.  Don’t fight it.  Let go of control for just a minute.”  I was given an invitation, "Be with us.  Open your heart, set aside everything else, and be with us."  The moment was happening with or without me.  It was my choice to embrace it and soak it in or squelch it and demand obedience.

Yes, schedules need to be kept and boundaries need to be honored, but we can’t forget to open our eyes and catch the good stuff.  These simple moments connect our hearts and strengthen the foundation for all other family interactions.  These are the moments that fill my soul.  They remind me that one mediocre first day of school send-off does not define me as a mother.  They give me strength to keep going when things get tough.  Capture moments that fill your soul.  Collect 3 or 4 of times, however small, when you felt connection.  Write them down and save them for when life gets tough.  Remember, being with our families is a gift.  You are a gift to them.


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The Fight Against Pornography

8/5/2015

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Do you know what the new drug is, and are you teaching your kids to fight it?

Pornography.  It’s everywhere and it’s accessible.  Even to our very young children.  Your children have likely experienced some degree of pornography. 

Remember, a child’s brain doesn’t process and rationalize information the same as an adult brain so yes, to a 7-year-old thinker, that Victoria Secret window or cosmetic counter banner is a form of pornography.  We call it GP (gateway porn) at our house because those “soft” images dull the senses and act as a gateway for later exposure.  Thank you, Kristen Jenson and PornProofKids for that suggestion!

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Each of my own children was exposed to some form of pornography by the age of 6; one while walking down the street in Las Vegas, one at a friend’s house, one by a neighbor friend in our front yard, and one here at our house as we were looking for printable coloring pages.  And yes, we are careful, have passwords, and are fairly vigilant in our efforts, but it is no longer something that I can control.  There are too many opportunities for exposure. 

It is such a part of our children’s world that I feel pretty darn confident saying that if you have a 10 year old who tells you they haven’t encountered some form of pornography, they’re embarrassed and aren’t being completely honest about it. It’s a hard conversation for a child to initiate. Even when the parent takes the lead, some kids talk more openly than others.

One of the trickiest elements about pornography is that it preys upon the innocent. And so many emotions are experienced after its viewing: surprise, embarrassment, hesitancy, curiosity, excitement, intrigue, shame and the pull to return.  It’s tricky.  It’s deceptive.  It destroys families.
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So what do we do?  Our job is to bring it out in the open. Remove the shame.  It is going to happen so we need to shine light on the reality and difficulty of it.  We need to teach our kids how to respond and prepare them for what they might feel.  I might not be able to control whether or not they encounter harmful images, but I can prepare them for when it happens and help develop their internal filter. 

Maybe they won’t feel super excited to come tell us, but they need to know they aren’t in trouble, they aren’t bad, and that we can help.  When we invest the time and heart to build solid relationships, we increase the odds of fighting this together.

Where do we start?  A great resource I have relied on is Good Pictures, Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids by Kristen A. Jenson, MA and Gail A. Poyner, PhD.  Whether you have no idea where to start or feel like you’ve got this covered, it is worth having.  Why? Because it

·      defines pornography using language comfortable for children,

·      teaches about addiction and its impact on the brain, and

·      lays out a 5 step “CAN DO Plan ™” that’s easy for kids to remember and follow. 

Good Pictures Bad Pictures can be read cover to cover or act as a guide for you to construct your own conversations.

Additionally, PornProofKids.com has a wealth of information about how to start that first conversation with your kids as well as a series of posts coaching parents on how to create a S.M.A.R.T. plan so that you can respond to their exposure to porn in a way that creates a safe environment. 

I love getting their newsletters because it reminds my brain to check in and keep the conversations going.  The days of a one-time sex talk are long gone!

It's awful to hear that your child has been exposed to pornography.  Each time, I feel sick to my stomach and feel worried, but I don't want my kids figuring this out on their own.  When we bring conversations about pornography into the open, we are arming our children and disarming the porn industry!  Take time today to educate yourself so you can begin the conversation and join in the fight against pornography.  You will be so glad you did.

Resources for you to check out
www.pornproofkids.com
www.pornharms.com
www.enough.org
www.fightthenewdrug.org
www.educateempowerkids.com
www.endexploitationmovement.com

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Feeling the Pressure to Be Enough

7/29/2015

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I feel a lot of pressure to “do things right” or to “be the best” in life.  I think it’s just a part of the culture we live in.  I remember feeling it as a young girl.  I was walking home from school with my best friend in first grade chanting, “I’m in the red reading group.  You’re in the bluuuue group.”  Can you guess which reading group was higher?  Yep, red—it was the highest group.  And even at a very young age, that somehow elevated me.  Well, it elevated me until my mom caught wind of the event and sat me down for a lesson on kindness.

I remember growing up feeling this pressure to excel.  Making the basketball and volleyball team wasn’t enough.   I had to work to get better so I could start.  Making the top band was great, but now I had to practice to get a higher chair, and the celebration came when I moved up or got the solo part.  When I got the solo, I wanted to play it perfectly.  Academically, it was getting the A and being in the advanced courses.  Then it was about getting into a great college and earning scholarships.

I’m not sure really where the pressure came from.  My parents never sat me down and said, “You must be the best at everything you do!”  They just wanted me to work hard and have opportunities for growth.

What I internalized though is this need to be more; to show through my accomplishments that I am enough and that I am of value.  It shows up in my adult life as I wonder about my outfit after a sideways glance from friend, as I fill my schedule with projects and appointments, say yes when I need to set a boundary, or doubt my decisions as a parent because I’m worried about being the cool mom. 

It is flat out exhausting, and at times I’ve run myself ragged trying to keep up and be more.

So what is true?  Is my worth dependent upon my accomplishments?  Is it based upon the choices of my well behaved, scholarly, hard-working children?  Do they define my value?  Talk about pressure—and a whole different conversation!

 No, of course not.  I have great value just because I am here on this earth in all my imperfections.  It’s hard to remember truth though when the negative voices can be so loud.  Truth is having a choice.  I control what stays in my mind.  I can take the messages from the world or from my past experiences and internalize them, or I can give birth to new thoughts and beliefs.  I can flip every negative thought if I choose.  It’s hard work, but it’s possible.  It’s my choice.  Some of my affirmations are original thoughts and some I’ve picked up from others along the way. 

I am enough.
God has a plan for me and it’s a good plan. 
Step out in faith.
I try because I trust.
I am courageous.
I connect.
I love and I am deeply loved.
Because I breathe, I am of worth.


Because I'm practicing, I need constant reminders.  They help center me and chase away old patterns of thought; patterns that I am ready to be done with.  They remind me that my imperfections are a part of how my children are learning and growing and that the messy work we are doing is good.

If you follow Build Family Connection on Facebook you’ve seen “Mondays with Michelle.”  These are some of my reminders.  But let me tell you, when we started this idea, the thoughts that flooded my mind were, “Who quotes themselves?  Your friends are going to think you are so stupid.  People are going to think you are so full of yourself.  You can’t do that.  Who do you think you are?  How embarrassing!”

Well, so what!  I have spent way too much of my life trying to make other people happy and worrying about what people think.  It is stifling and keeps me waiting for just the right moment to follow my dreams.  Worse yet, it throws me into the hustle of proving my worth, breeds comparison and jealousy, and promotes criticism.  Ugh--the sideline critic!  Unfortunately, this all filters down to my children.  Double ugh!

Fortunately, I get to create new patterns and I’m claiming space in the world for my voice of truth; one that finds value and strength in vulnerability and imperfection.  That’s what Mondays with Michelle are all about.  It’s part of a healing process; these consistent reminders to center and find joy.  Sometimes it’s a small challenge to let go of control and live in the moment. 

Whatever shows up on a Monday, it’s a journey and I’m inviting you along.  I’m hoping like mad, that someone else can relate and find strength, but also trusting that my voice has value even if it’s just for me.  And that is something I feel good about passing on to my children.

What keeps you strong and centered?  What is your truth?  I’d love to hear.

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Need a Good Book?  List of Great Audiobooks or Reads for Children 10-16

7/22/2015

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Today is serious business.  Despite all my blog posts about family travel, I was more than a little hesitant about our 14 drive to the Yellowstone region.  So much so that I almost cancelled our trip.  Fortunately, I had some friends who walked me through some thoughts on our itinerary, we made some adjustments, and I felt excited for the adventure again.  I knew we needed a good audiobook.  My kids keep up on the more popular book series so we were in need of some fresh ideas.  I turned to fellow mothers and readers on Facebook and was so excited with the response I received. 

Whether it’s for listening in the car, reading together as a family, or for a child to read on their own, here are the top recommendations we received for kids ages 10-16.  Now I have not listened to every single one of these titles.  Please—that’s a lot of listening, but each of these comes highly recommended.  I didn’t want to keep this list to myself.  Enjoy!  Thank  you to Facebook friends who shared your wisdom to create this list!  

If you are looking for a more specific age range or wonder about language, violence, or sexual content, check out commonsensemedia.org.  They not only review the book, but rate it based on specific content.  When we are looking to please a variety of ages, this is a tool I love.

Sideways Stories from Wayside School – Louis Sachar

Leven Thumps – Obert Skye

Hitchhikers guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams

Little Britches – Ralph Moody

Laddie – Gene Stratton-Porter

Carry on Mr. Bowditch – Jean Lee Latham

To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee

Treasure Island - Robert Louis Stevenson

Code Talker – Jospeh Bruchac

The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas

The Work and the Glory – Gerald N. Lund

Fablehaven – Brandon Mull

Beyonders – Brandon Mull

Harry Potter – JK Rowling

Chicken in the Headlights – Matthew Buckley

Bullies in the Headlights – Matthew Buckley

Janitors – Tyler Whitesides

Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites Series - Chris Heimerdinger

The Gravity Keeper – Simon Bloom

Candy Shop Wars – Brandon Mull

The Rithmatist – Brandon Sanderson

The Ascendance Trilogy – Jennifer Nielsen

The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind – Kamkwamba

Unbroken – Laura Hillenbrand YA version

Percy Jackson and related Rick Riordan titles

The Enchanted Collection (Audible)

The Adventure Collection (Audible)

The Graveyard Book – Neil Gaiman

Nick of Time Series – Ted Bell

Incident at Hawk’s Hill – Allan W Eckert

Brighty of the Grand Canyon- Marguerite Henry

Cheaper by the Dozen - Frank B. Gilbreth and Ernestine Gilbreth Carey

Charlie Bone Series – Jenny Nimmo

Magyk series – Angie Sage

Chronicles of Narnia - C. S. Lewis

Sweetness at the Bottom of my Pie – Alan Bradley

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The Choices We Make Write our Story 

7/15/2015

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This week has been one where things I know in my brain really hit my heart with a new depth of understanding. 

 I wouldn’t call myself a worrier, but deep beneath the surface it’s there… percolating. Our families have a lot working against them and it’s hard not knowing what lies ahead.  Have I taught my children enough?  Are they really listening?  Do they deeply value our opinions?  Will they stay free from addictions?  Will they make choices that bring them true joy?  For me, facing the unknown is one of the hardest things in life.   I really don’t like it.  Let’s be real.  Sometimes I just want to know that this story of our life has a happy ending.  And if I had my way, I would write a great story. 

Even harder than not knowing the ending to this story is knowing that I only get to write a part of it.  Only 1/6 to be exact!  I hate it!  And I love it!  I hate it because it’s hard, it hurts, and I can’t control it. 

I love it because the freedom of choice is at the core of our experiences in this life.  Allowing choice acknowledges mistakes, embraces pain, and requires a deep level of acceptance and trust.  It also brings strength, passion, energy, and purpose to our experiences. 

With every choice, I write my own story.  Our stories are messy and full of imperfection, and the only way to travel through the unknown is to trust. 

 What do you trust in?  I trust in God.  I trust that He knows who I am and that He is watching over me.  I trust that He has a plan for me and that it’s a good plan; even when I can’t see a clear path.  I trust that He also knows my children.  He loves them even more than I do.  Which is good.

Good because each of my children are busy writing their own story.  The story I can’t control.  All of my worry and fuss will never change the fact that this is their story too.  Yes, I play a role.  The role I try desperately to fill is that of a mother.  I love.  I teach. I show up.  I embrace them in their yuckiest moments for all they bring and for who they are becoming.  I set aside my own fear and sit with them in the mess. I let them know that mistakes are a part of the journey and there is no shame in living and learning.  I listen.  I ask what they are learning.  I STOP telling them what they need to figure out.  I learn from their wisdom.  I offer support and guidance.  I feel their heart, see their dreams, and trust in their path.  And, then I forget all these things.  I start to worry again and try to grasp for control.  Then, I remember and I write so I can remember. 

So I have a choice.  Do I cling to fear and control?  Do I step into trust and belief?

Today I choose trust.  When we believe in our children and champion their efforts, we empower them to take charge and write their own messy story full of growth and experience.  What do you choose?

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The Art of the Re-Do:  Keep on Trying

7/8/2015

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How many times do you reach the end of the day and wish you had a second chance to go back and re-do the not so great parts?  Only to find at the end of the next day, you are feeling the same frustrated feelings!  Identifying where I fall short is no problem.  It’s climbing out of this rut that’s the hard part.  That’s why over the years, our family has spent a lot of time practicing the Art of the Re-Do. 

The second I realize I don’t like what’s happening, I have to stop it!  I mean literally and physically freeze myself and ask for a “Re-Do.”  Then, everyone goes back to where they were just moments before and we start over.  It gives my brain, and more importantly my heart, a moment to kick in and consider how I really want to proceed.  Younger children are much more forgiving in this area, but most of the older kids I get to ask would love to see their parents try again.
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Can you pick out these steps in the following story?

A while back, my 10 y.o. chose to tackle some melted crayon art project we saw on Pinterest.  We gathered a few supplies, talked through a few quick instructions, and he got started.   Before too long, I was off in another direction and he carried on hot gluing crayons onto the poster board.  Soon I heard the blow dryer in the background and thought, “Check him out.  He figured out a way to hang the poster and he is going to town.  Love that independent spirit!”

I was excited to see how the project was coming and unsuspectingly walked out in the backyard.  I found the poster board pinned to the stucco on either side of the kitchen window.  On the ground just beneath the poster was the couch cushion from our outdoor furniture.  Standing on the cushion, with blow dryer in hand was my independent soul smiling and innocently spraying melted crayon wax everywhere.  It was on the stucco, window frame, blow dryer, and was steadily dripping down the poster board onto the couch cushion.  Now, I know you can’t see it, but WOW—it was a mess!  All those feeling of admiration and affection shifted to frustration and anger as I did what came most naturally.  I yelled, “Aaaaah!!  What do you think you are you doing!?” 

Remember—I knew what he was doing.   I had left him to figure out a plan….and he did.  It just wasn’t the tidy adult plan I had in my head.

The happiness and joy of the moment disappeared in an instant.  His eyes welled up with tears and all the confidence from a moment before was gone.   Stunned he stared up at me. 

Too mad to respond, I yelled, “I’m so angry right now I need a minute to cool off.  I’ll be back.”  As I entered the house, just before I slammed the door, I heard a tiny voice say, “I’m just doing my project.”

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Our inspiration! Check out this tutorial if you want to give it a try. Smile as you read her note about using a hair dryer. I wish I had read this earlier!
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Our finished project--after the relocation!

The rest of the family was gathered in the kitchen.  As I walked in, their faces confirmed what I already knew—my reaction was out of line. 

It wasn’t the frustration or emotion I felt that was the problem, but my reactivity to it.  I lost sight of my son.  All I could see in that moment was the mess—the huge mess!   These moments sneak up on us.  Fear takes over, we react with anger and hostility, then later feel regret and shame.   This is where the Re-Do comes in.  We have to lay down a new pattern in our brain.  It takes practice.

I gave myself a minute and turned back to go outside.  “Hey, bud.  I really messed that up.  Can I try again?”

With a nod to the affirmative and a few tears he said, “I don’t know why you are so mad at me.”   

Back inside I went.  This time I walked outside and in a very surprised and loud voice said, “WOW!  Look at that artwork!  Whoa, and crayon wax everywhere!”  Deep breath and softer, “Help me understand why the picture is here instead of on the fence and why the cushion is on the ground.”

Now to me, the situation was very clear, but to the 10 year-old brain, the perspective was a little different.

“Mom, the cord on the blow dryer didn’t reach very far.  The poster kept falling off the fence and crayons were breaking off so I just put the picture right here.  Then I couldn’t reach it very good because my arm was tired and the cushion made me just the right height….”   After a hug and some guidance, he came up with a plan to help clean up the mess.  We relocated the poster and he finished the project. 

Now almost 2 years later, I have gotten over the mess on the couch cushion and even smile when I see it.  The crayon has faded and is barely noticeable.  Together we keep learning and practicing.

Shifting from reacting with anger to responding with empathy is tough and requires consistent effort.   It doesn’t just happen.  So next time you lose your cool…practice a Re-Do.

The Art of the Re-Do sounds like this:
“I didn’t respond very well.  Can I have a re-do?”  Or  
“I made a mistake, can we do that over?"
“Aaah!  Stop!  Let’s re-do this and try again.”
“Stop -- everybody rewind!”  

Choose one.  Then, everyone literally goes back to where they were just moments before and starts over.
Yes, it feels awkward.  Yes, we might look silly.   No, my peeps aren’t always excited.  Yes, there might be some eye rolling.  AND, yes, it’s highly effective at creating a new pattern.

Where can you try again today?  Be bold and create a new pattern for yourself as you open the door for thinking, accountability, and connection.
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Do You Want Your Children to be Leaders?  Take a Step Back!

7/1/2015

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Each summer our kids offer a neighborhood kids camp.  It’s a lot of work.  They plan daily activities and crafts, we shop together, prepare supplies, and then open the doors for a whole lot of summer chaos and fun.  My kids love it and look forward to it every year.  And, every year I get to learn the same lesson over and over again.

Despite my inner commitment to let our kids fully own the experience, it’s easy for me to step in.  I begin small by trying to control the chaos and mess, and I’m pretty good at it! But then, I start seeing more areas for improvement or efficiency so I start to help more.  Unfortunately, something else happens too.  I unwittingly send the message that despite their great efforts, they are not enough.  My kids step back,  the excitement in their eyes diminishes and suddenly I am dragging them along trying to get them to help more.  I end up exhausted, frustrated and wonder why I even agreed to this plan in the first place.
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Then I remember, some years sooner than others, “Oh ya!  This is not my camp.  It’s Cox Kids Summer Camp—run by the Cox kids; not this Cox mom!  They have been taught, we’ve practiced, and they are ready for this.  So I slam on the brakes and regroup.  I shift to the role of advisor and support/safety crew.  I step back and get to watch the magic happen.  

The kids step into their leadership role and take ownership in the project again.  As they realize that someone better run the show, my pleas for help disappear and they are up and moving:  organizing, giving directions, interacting with their campers, finding creative solutions, leading games, and creating learning experiences for everyone.  Including me.  

I get to humbly experience my children in a new light as they grow more fully and become the wonderful beings they are.  Fun, full of life, messy, and creative kids with big hearts who love their campers!  And who get to practice cleaning up!  This hard work experience connects us.  I believe when we prepare our children and create opportunities for them to practice sharing ownership, we instill trust and promote growth.  It’s a beautiful connection to invite.   
 
What areas in your family need a little less you and a little more kids this week?  Pick one—just a small one.  Make sure it’s age appropriate!  Then, spend some time teaching, practicing, and getting ready to take a step back.  Bit by bit, the pieces will come together as you give the gift of becoming.
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Stories Connect our Family

6/23/2015

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Last Thursday friends from our church gathered for a Garden Party.  It was good ‘ol fashion fun with fancy hats and gloves, dinner on china, and stories from the older ladies in our group.  As I visited with these women, I was inspired by their courage and resiliency in life.  Imagine riding in a horse and buggy to go visit neighbors and then visiting on Skype with a great grand daughter.  That’s quite a lifetime!

It left me feeling nostalgic and looking back on my own life.  I thought about my sister who passed away six years ago.  Our stories are so different and yet they breathe life into our connection.  I believe the same is true for each of us.  Some of us, like my sister, have physical ailments that are visible to the world while others carry the weight of difficulty in a less visible way.  Many quietly carry the weight of family struggles as they travel among one another with a pulled together front.  I know.  I’ve had a lot of practice.

When our daughter was born, we had four kids under 6, and three of them were rowdy boys.  They were full of energy with a tad bit of crazy mixed in.  

When I think back, I do so with a lot of fondness and smile at the happy memories.  But like all stories, there’s the good and the not so good.  It was also a time of deep heartache and difficulty.  It was more than just rowdy little kids.  There were days I wondered how we would make it through.  Everyone was in tears, relationships were fractured, and I was lost as a mother.  It’s hard for me to go back and sit in that space. There’s a lot I would change.  But I can’t.  I can only move forward and trust that the path will become clear.  And it does.  Today, I can look back with gratitude because I know the struggles strengthened us and shaped who we became as family members.  

Unfortunately, we don’t always have that same vantage point, and it’s all too easy to let feelings of overwhelm and discouragement take over with negative thoughts running amok.  In these moments, I find courage in the stories of others who have traveled before me.  Their strength, resiliency, and choice to embrace life inspires me to take small steps forward. 

Research shows that the same is true for our children.  Family stories invite a greater sense of belonging.  They help create a narrative and identity from which our children can draw when life gets tough. That story they’ve heard a million times about Mom turning down Dad’s invitation to their first date…that’s what we’re talking about!  Quite simply, those stories connect our hearts and increase our odds of making it through hard times.

So I ask, “Who inspires you?”  “Where do you find strength?” 
 Capture their story and share it.  Share your own story.  It’s a story worth telling.

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Create Your Summer Bucket List

6/17/2015

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If you are in the full swing of summer and feel like you’re running out of ideas, ask the experts!  Our kids know what they like and what’s important to them.  So when making plans this summer, make sure and get their input.  It may sound obvious, but sometimes in the hustle I forget to ask.

When I do, I’m the only one invested and I hear things like, “How come you always get to decide?  Why do we have to do this?  Whose idea was THIS anyway?  Seriously?  Do we have to?  Why do you get to choose?  Why can’t we ever do what I want?”   That gets old real quick and I end up feeling unappreciated and frustrated.  Sound familiar?   


Another part of the problem is when my kids are bored, they don’t really like my ideas.  What!?  I have great ideas!  But, if I have a way to reference their hopes and dreams, they are much more likely to engage.  
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Learning to draw with pastels


That’s where the summer bucket list comes in handy.  
  • Simply ask each member of the family what they’d like to do this summer.
  • Record their responses.  This is a brainstorming session so all ideas get collected and recorded. 
 "All the ideas?" you ask.  Yes, all of them.  Even the trip to the moon or as one of my teens listed,base jumping--yikes!!  Write it down and get creative later.  Moments of connection come in the simple everyday stuff.  Instead of a trip to the moon, throw a sheet over the kitchen table, grab a pack of glow in the dark stars from the dollar store, and lay on pillow beneath the table to create constellations.  Help older kids collect large cardboard boxes for space tunnels or rocket ships.  Use the list from your teenager for conversations points and discover areas of interest.

We aren’t creating a list of absolutes and we don’t have to worry about how or if we can accomplish everything.  Our goal is to hear the voices of our children and allow them to bring shape to our family.  A helpful phrase may be, “We won’t get to do everything but I want to hear what you love and enjoy.”

  • There is not a right or wrong way to do this.  
  • It can have as much or as little structure as you’d like.  
  • Each person can have his/her own or you can create a family bucket list.  
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Two years ago it was notebook paper folded into fourths.  Last year we used multi color post-it notes that ended up on a designated kitchen cupboard.  These are the leftovers from last year.  Yes, still on the cupboard!
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This year I used this design from Kate Hadfield and added a few questions for each child to fill out.  These questions are specific to my big picture for the summer.  (Design with questions available to download below!) Things that made our list:  learning how to cook wings, take a rock climbing class, go swimming at night, go on a cool hike, and many more way out of my reach!  However you approach it, keep it simple and post it somewhere for inspiration and flexible accountability.

Maybe we can’t go to the beach or the moon, but we can create everyday moments of connection.  For those outlandish ideas that make it on the list try this, “Ya know, I’m not really up for base jumping, pretty much outside of my comfort zone.  How could we bring that same style of fun to our summer?  What do you think?”  I’m thinking rock climbing gym, a sky diving wind tunnel, or watching base jumping videos together.  Whatever it is, stop and ask!  

When we invite the voice of our children into the planning process, we give them the gift of connection and communicate that they are a valuable part of our family.  Everyone wants to be heard!

Download and enjoy your free Summer Bucket List worksheet!

Summer Bucket List With Questions
File Size: 1215 kb
File Type: pdf
Download File

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    I am a wife and mother who loves to connect with my family.  It takes consistent effort and doesn't come easily.  As a Parent and Family Life Coach, I get to experience the joy of other families as we work to strengthen their daily connections.

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